The Spiritual Discipline of Sabbath

It's hard to believe it's been a whole week since I last posted. It has, of course, been an adjustment time for me, getting the hang of the new rhythm of school and managing my own work. On Wednesday, I listened to the Mars Hill teaching podcast, like a I normally do. And something happened to me that day that poked a very large hole in the multiple layers of plastic wrap that have been keeping me in a very air-tight place for a long time. These are some of the words and phrases I heard that day:


dangerously tired
self sufficient
self grandiosity


"Light a candle alone or with friends. Let each you speak about those things that are left to do. And as the candle burns, allow the cares to melt away. Do not be anxious about tomorrow, said Jesus. The worries of today are sufficient for today. Whatever remains to do, let it be. It will not get done tonight. In Sabbath time, we take our hand off the plow, and allow God and the earth care for what is needed. Let it be."

"I didn't know what to do with the longing that thoughts about sabbath stirred in me."

"If we do not allow for a rhythm of rest, illnesses become our sabbath" Wayne Muller.


how would it change me to trust God with one day a week?

living inside the limits of human limitations

It was a woman who taught that day. I sincerely doubt that I would have taken a man as seriously. There was something about hearing it from another wife and mother, someone who takes her calling seriously, finds her work satisfying and is good at it...I could actually listen to her and not dismiss her.

Sometime in the past 5 years, I stopped believing in Sabbath. The only one of the ten commandments not specifically reiterated in the New Testament, I would say glibly, "Jesus is our Sabbath rest" not even sure what that really meant. And during that time, I have ramped my way up to a person who regularly struggles with insomnia and powerful anxiety, who has learned to ignore the disappointed look on my husband's face when I escape from his embrace with a "I have to go get some stuff done." I am a person who's self-talk says something like this: "Being industrious all the time is the way to be a person that matters." Being a workaholic is an acceptable vice. And being legalistic about working on Sunday is so old-school.

And then I heard these words. And the Holy Spirit whispered, "You've been trying to do it all by yourself. You're not that strong. You are limited."

Do you know what the speaker went on to say? That you honor God when you rest from your work. That you show that you trust him by giving your time. Not your time to clean the church or help in the church office or be there early to make coffee. But your time to rest.

Do you know when people are most likely to shop online? And ask questions about how much it will cost to ship this or that thing to Malaysia? Do you know how often I click in just to check on things...answer a quick question....and become engrossed in business?

I wrote about Sunday long ago. I think I was actually on to something back then. I just didn't know what I was mourning.

I spent all week wrestling with God about it. Arguing with Robb. Listening to the sermon again. A day without buying or selling. A day without toil. A day to be protected. Looking for an out. Finding none. Backing down. Planning to rest. To rest profoundly on Sunday.

Saturday was one of the most productive days I have had since I can remember. I climbed into clean sheets after a warm shower with a glass of wine. All the laundry was done. The house was clean. The kids were clean. Their rooms were clean...ish. We did yardwork. I made a time-line for the move. I organized my mosaic-dish supply. I listed twice as much in my store. It was that amazing Saturday night feeling I hadn't had in a very, very long time. I was ready to rest.

Do you know what kinds of things are traditionally encouraged on the Sabbath? Worship. Eating. Naps. Reading for pleasure. Being with friends. Doing whatever makes you feel most alive. Having sex with your spouse.

As I look over the calendar, I feel a sort of exhilarated terror at the thought of purposefully not working one day of every one of the incredibly hectic weeks to come. Painting at the new house, business trips, a craft show, a move, church meetings, school schedules, regular every-day tasks...it is all looming large on our horizon. I
joked to Robb that I must be crazy to be attempting to incorporate a Sabbath into my life right now.

But I am. Care to join me?

Weekends

This Week's Mosaics

I have been percolating these pieces for what feels like months. The combination of velvet serenity and a drop in the temperature made these bud out. They are not completely finished, but I'm really in love with these pieces. They feel like a really true picture of who I am.

I was listening to this weeks Rob Bell sermon (actually twice) while working on these. That, after I got so mad one night, I smashed two of the brown plates into tiny pieces. Everyone jokes about my taking my frustrations out that way, but usually, I am very meticulous about how I break my dishes. I literally got so mad, I took them and threw them down on the floor and just felt the wonder of all the tiny pieces just flying everywhere. It was naughty, and yet such a relief. Then after I got it laid out, one of the kids or dogs bumped it and I had to lay it out all over again. Frustration can sometimes yield great inspiration, though. I certainly would not have made it this way if I had broken the plates the usual way.

Sadly, I don't know when/if these will be available online as I really need to stockpile some work for the October craft show!

Day Three of The Rest of My Life

So here I am on day three of the rest of my life with three kids in school, and I have some thoughts.

It's extraordinarily weird to be so quiet for so long, but I really love it. I do periodically have the urge to go check on somebody who must be napping, which is the only way my brain seems to be able to account for the quiet.

I do not magically have less to do. I have more to do and fewer constant reminders to do it all.

I have reached the point in my life when my kids hurt my feelings. Repeatedly. Brutally. So that I cry. I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. But it doesn't seem to be changing for the better, so I guess I have to figure out how to deal with it. Example? Somebody told me he/she wanted lasagna. "Oh Mom! Please make lasagna! We haven't had lasagna in forever!" So yesterday, I went to the grocery store in a complete downpour and got supplies to make lasagna. I spent about 3 hours in preparation and cooking time, put it on the table and the kid said: "Mom, they are serving lasagna for lunch at school in a couple of days. That's what I wanted."

Meanwhile another kid was still annoyed and embarrassed by me because I walked the dog the school to pick them up. I still have no idea why that is such a problem. I thought I was doing a great job of multi-tasking. The dog was sweet. The kid...not so much.

Charleigh only has a half day today, though, so I'd better get cracking.

All for One and Three for Three!

We've been watching a lot of the Cosby Show lately on Netflix. I think He has given us permission to feel kind of excited about having the kids out the door.

Now that the moment is upon me though, I'm not sure what I feel. And so I will post some pictures and try to figure out what to do after that, not unlike Charleigh, who sat down in her spot and focussed on her coloring page like it was the last coloring page on earth. She wouldn't even look up to wave goodbye to us!

Their Backpacks were hung by the doorway with care....

It's the end of the world as we know it.

I'm going to have to stop using lines from poems and songs to express myself.

I think I'm just finding it really hard to believe.

Tonight at dinner, we were all practicing our disapproving teacher looks at the table. Look out teachers....here we come!

Na nana na Hey hey hey ...Goodbye.

That's our credit card bill. Two years ago. We also had a 10,000 dollar loan from our house in Michigan. That's $28,000.00 we've paid off in the last two years. The last payment just went out. We utilized a credit counselor who brokered a deal with the credit card company to lower our interest rate on the card and save us tons of money. We paid the credit counselor ONE DOLLAR a month to make this deal for us. If you live in the area and you need any help with financial stuff, you need to call the CCOA of NWA. They are very nice and they treat you very kindly while helping you get your crap together.

We've never been late on a payment. We have two cars that are paid for (Thank you Vintage and Friends). We've given to our church and we support a little girl through Compassion International. I'm not bragging to you....I just want to encourage you that it's possible. And that those small sacrifices are making a difference. Unplug the wall-warts. Use compact flourescent bulbs. Shop for clothes at thrift stores. Buy bulk food. Open an Etsy store or put the work into a well-organized garage sale. But the biggest thing...

make a plan and stick to it.

The single most transformational thing Robb and I have done for our marriage, our money and our future, has been to meet on a weekly basis to go over the bills, track them in a spreadsheet, and be on the same page about where we stand.

We're not perfect and we aren't money gurus. We still make mistakes and eat out too much. But we are in the game. We have gotten the taste for mastering our money and the relief from stress you feel when you know you are working the plan. And what is even better, the teamwork you feel when you work on it together.

Last night we were supposed to have free hot dogs for dinner at the school, but they ran out and I didn't have a dinner plan. But I did have three free kids meals coupons to Olive Garden plus a coupon I clipped from the Sunday coupons: We had an amazing dinner with leftovers for all of us for lunch today for $26.50. Then we went to JC Penney and got Mattie some shoes. I signed up for a rewards card for them a while ago and I get email coupons and mailers...I had a 10 dollar off coupon. I've been giving Mattie a dollar a week for doing her chores without being told and she had 7 dollars saved. Because this was a second pair of shoes that she didn't necessarily need, but wanted, I let her pay with her money and we made up the difference: Brand new, name brand Chuck Taylors for 6 dollars.

I don't spend a ton of time on saving money. I make a menu. I make a grocery list. I try to stick to it. It's really all about being conscious of what you do, and that's all.

Robb and I will be leading a financial health small group using Dave Ramsey's materials this fall. Robb has been listening to Dave on the radio every day and learning a lot. We didn't get a chance to save up much before the house opportunity came up. It needs a lot of paint and curtains and every single one of the appliances. It will even need a little furniture. In another time and place we might have considered falling back on the credit card. Not this time. We'll be making a plan.

Everyone keeps asking....

what I am going to do when all three of my children go to school on Wednesday morning.

Well, here's a picture of my studio if that gives you any guesses...

I wonder if other artists typically have 45 other projects lined up that they want to make? I have so many ideas in my head, I sometimes get absolutely overwhelmed. So I started to bulk process them by setting out the thing I want to mosaic, cutting up the china I want to use on it, and then stacking the projects on an open shelf so I can just pick something up and go. When I am tempted to get overwhelmed, I just say to myself, "You are going to mosaic it sometime, why not work on one piece now. Just pick any of them." And then I do.

People ask me, too, if I have started packing for the move. The answer is "Nope." As Robb and I have strategized, it makes no sense to start packing until I get as much of my mosaics done and out the door as possible to make room for boxes to pile up.

But I will say this, I measured windows at the new house and started to pick out paint chips. The sheer expanse of it may have freaked me out a little bit. I mean, you know me...I LOVES to paint me up a little sumpin', but there's just so MUCH.

And one more thing. I need to exercise. Having Charleigh with me before, it wasn't really handy, but I'll have time now to walk, which I am really excited about.

So yes, don't worry about me filling up my vast, empty days. I'll manage to find something to do.

As to how I'll FEEL about having all the kids in school? I told Robb that I resere the right to bawl my eyes out or do a happy dance. He fully expects both.

I Heart Mad Men

I am so excited for the premier of season three of Mad Men tonight. I've got a hot date and can't wait. And to make things seriously better, I had an item featured from my Etsy store in an Etsy blog post with a spotlight on Mad Men's executive style! I've been praying for some publicity lately to help move items from the store before we move. WHoo HOO!

This is what I have eaten in the last two days....

McDonalds third pounder mushroom and swiss burger
with fries.

cookies ....for breakfast.
Hershey's dark chocolate squares....2 of them.
leftover chicken legs and cornbread casserole.
marinated tomatoes.
cookies.
Popeye's chicken....at 9:30 p.m.

poptarts.

and oh yeah,
wine,
but not with breakfast.

Bless me, for I have sinned.

What have you eaten?

Confessions of Someone Very Tightly-Wound

I'm uptight. Perfectionistic. Driven. I lack the skill of knowing how to enjoy myself. I came by it honestly: My mother recoils in horror at the thought of a massage and my father thinks that "vacation" means a week you take off to get projects done around the house. Here are a few other words out of our private dictionary:
Holiday = work.
Birthday = not being able to work as fast as you used to.
Party = loud.
Celebrate = something you do after you work really hard and achieve something.
Are you getting my drift?

With focus and attention, I can make myself enjoy somebody else's party. But it takes work. You can routinely catch me eating my meal in the order of which items I like least first, saving the thing I like best for last. I had no problem "saving myself for marriage." I am a master at delaying gratification..an important life skill, I think.

Not long ago, though, I realized something. I am starting to miss things. While I hover above my life and try to get everything perfect before I actually enjoy something, I am missing my life. I am missing my kids. It's not like it was when I was in high school and I had a lot of time for do-overs. I'm almost 35. And my little girl is almost 10. And we are bumping heads. A lot.

Solomon wrote about chasing after pleasure for a while in his quest for meaning in life. I think I understand that better now than I used to. I appreciate his research in that area, proving that pleasure alone won't bring actual meaning to life....saves me the trouble, you know. But I get the feeling that there is some value to enjoying things in moderation.

Lately, I've begun to realize that my kids are all sleeping through the night, potty trained, dress themselves, make their own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but aren't dating or driving yet. It's time for me to be happy and enjoy this. It's time for me to uncoil and let chaos...I mean happiness... happen. It's time to remind myself that they will be gone so soon, and that being happy is a skill to learn and to teach.

So I am trying. Got any words of wisdom for me?

Weekend Mosaics

These are the mosaics I worked on this weekend. They are not all finished, but I think you get the idea. And don't they look pretty with the bouquet Robb brought me on Sunday morning? Daisies and roses, just like my wedding bouquet and the Jars of Clay song we played for a recessional....

The guy is good, I tell ya.

A Super Fun Weekend - on the cheap!

It all started on Thursday. You know how sometimes, you just tumble into one of those good, meaty discussions with your spouse? Not a fight...just a really good, real, actual conversation? It's amazing how hard those are to come by sometimes, but Thursday night, somehow, we stumbled into one. Robb decided to "work from home" after that chat. I hadn't realized how hard we've been running and how much I have missed him. In another lifetime, he was in charge of his own time and we could spend as much time as we needed together, but that just hasn't been the case for a really, really long time.

So Friday rolled around gently. We had Charleigh's kindergarten orientation. I simply cannot believe that my baby is off to Kindergarten. She was so excited to be able to wear her singing monkey shirt (yeah, Target clearance $2.98) and her pink shoes (Yeah Old Navy clearance $1.50) for the first time.

After a lunch of leftovers, we headed down to the library and loaded the kids up with as many books as they could carry to help them weather the agony of the last few weeks of summer. The level of boredom these days matches the terror threat...definitely an orange. We spent a lovely half hour on the terrace of the library, me with a new Country Living magazine (bliss!) and Robb on a work call.



At home, later, Robb continued his afternoon projects around the house, blessing me the sanity. For about two weeks now, I would walk out into the garage and think, "HOW am I gonna pack this?" and turn right back around and walk out, completely overwhelmed. You remember the Christmas flood, right? Well, for 8 months now, we have had half our chest freezer packed with wet books. It was the only alternative for a lot of Robb's books which were simply soaked. I read that they could be kind of "freeze dried" sitting in the freezer, like a steak with no wrapping. So we tried it and lo and behold, the freezer was very frosty, but many of the books seemed to be surviving (there were some rather heartbreaking losses, though). He stacked books outside, sorting and we defrosted the freezer. When an empty plastic container for animal crackers presented itself, I spooned the frosty slush into it and took it outside, where many a neighbor kid was sitting, too hot to play.

An August snowball fight ensued!













When the "snow" was spent, a whiffle ball game got started and somehow, Mom and Dad joined in. Next thing we knew, a neighbor Dad joined in. I think I hurt myself. But we had a blast, playing until it was too dark to see. Not wanting the night to end,
I hauled out the goods to make smores. By 10 o'clock, Charleigh had consumed at least 3 of them...she's a big fan of the smore!










On Saturday morning, and I really do need to document this rare occurrance: Calvin slept in til 7:30 a.m. It was miraculous!!!! Our pantry was bare of anything to make a breakfast out of, and so we headed out with empty bellies to the grocery store for donuts ($3.75). From there, we headed off to the Jones Center Farmer's Market to purchase two giant bags of local produce for 20 dollars. We also purchased a bushel of the biggest, juiciest peaches, from which Robb made his mouthwatering peach salsa. For the rest of the afternoon, I was able to work fast and furiously on a number of small mosaics (pics to come). That night, we settled down to a dinner of corn on the cob, fried zuchini and roasted chicken legs, followed by a movie night ala' Netflix; The kids loved BABE paired with zuchinni bread warm from the oven.

And then there was Sunday. And that really deserves its own post.

Thirteen Years

Thirteen years ago today, I married the most wonderful man. I had no idea back then, how much joy he would bring into my life. I want to tell you some of the things that I respect and adore about him.

For most of the time I have known him, Robb has either worked two jobs or has held a full time job and been a student....with excellent grades or major promotions. And yet, he always ALWAYS puts his family first. I know that if I really need him, he would drop anything to be with me.

He designed my engagement ring and then earned it by shoveling snow. He wouldn't give it to me until it was paid for...which is why he was the only guy on campus begging for one more good storm in March!

In our first church, he found out a little boy in our neighborhood didn't have a coat and said we should get him one. We did. That little boy and his sister ended up going to camp and meeting Jesus.

In our second church, a girl in our youth group was hurt and in trouble. He went and just sat with her at court one day. She was a very shy girl. A beautiful, smart, lovely person emerged over the years....and funny too! She is happily married now and doing well in life. Knowing that she had a friend there that day helped her get through some tough times.

One Christmas, he earned extra money and bought me a piano. And sneaked it inside with the help of a bunch of guys from church in the middle of the night without waking me or the children. It remains one of the best things he ever pulled off.

In our third church, he spear-headed the work of providing childcare when our community built a large wooden playground in the town park. It was through that work that we met Donna and became foster parents and had Charleigh placed with us. And oh, yeah, he ran hundreds of hours of activity for the community kids!

When we found out we were going to have Vinny, He cried. Not just tears, but full on blubbering. It was nice of him to be so excited when my bad math brought him a lot of extra responsibility in the middle of moving to a new ministry. He was never anything but excited and happy and helped me to accept a pregnancy that I wasn't ready for at all.

When Mattie and Calvin were born, he never let go of my hand. I can't even remember for how many hours that was.

When he had his kidney removed, he was back in the pulpit after just 10 days because he didn't want the church to have to pay somebody else to fill the pulpit. Have you ever seen a nephrectomy scar? It is 8 inches long.

He has handled more situations over the years that would have left me in the fetal position than I can even tell you about. He's carried people's secrets and hurts and problems with so much wisdom, I am constantly amazed by him. I think of one particular funeral he did with such grace and tenderness: a woman with four children. During a C-section for her last baby, she went into a coma and remained that way for over 25 years. The baby never knew her mother. It was such a heartbreaking funeral, but he handle it with such comforting tenderness.

He has always since the day I met him, acted like an adult. All joking aside, I was never married to an immature man-child, still playing around with toys and games. He thinks, acts, and garners the respect of being a man. I used to blanch when he called our professors by their first names, but it has served him well not to be intimidated by older people. Respectful, yes, but never intimidated or fearful.

He knows when to let me talk and when to firmly tell me to get myself in hand. That's a pretty amazing thing when you think about it. It makes me feel so safe knowing that my husband won't let me make a total idiot of myself with my emotions.

When he is wrong, he admits it and asks for forgiveness. To me, to the children, to other people. I love this about him. And when somebody asks for forgiveness, he forgives....no if's, and's, or but's.

I could go on and on, but these are just a few things that I thought of while lying next to him last night in the middle of the night. I'm a lucky, lucky girl to be married to such a good man.

I love you, Robb.

Can I Just Freak Out for a Minute?

It's the flies.

The flies have pushed me over the edge.

The flies and the bits of glass from my studio all over the floor.

and the Legos.

and the dog hair.

and the money. Or the complete and total lack thereof.

If only the flies and bits of glass and the Legos and the doghair had some monetary value.

And the kids. The door opens and they rush in with 45 more flies, getting the dogs all wound up causing their fur to fly. They rush in to play Legos. And then they eat popcorn and ask what time is is and what is for dinner and can I...can I....can I????
And there are so many of them. For ever kid I birthed or signed papers for, there is an extra 1.5 kid in my personal space, and I might be paranoid, but I think they might be staring at me wondering why there is so much dog hair and Lego and popcorn and flies in my house and why don't I clean it up like their mothers do?

I haven't had an Etsy sale over 5 dollars in days. And $7,000,000 extra bills came this month. I am working. La La La. I'm working. I can't hear you....I'm not listening...

But I am listening. It sounds like buzzing. It is a fly. In my coffee.

And what IS for dinner?

New Mosaics

Here are the mosaics I have been working on this week. If only I could express my ideas in finished work as quickly as I think of things I want to make. I've barely made a dent in my idea notebook list.

A Weird Day.

Robb's sermon this week was on generosity and I have to admit that it is hard for me. I wish it wasn't, but it seems like I am always keeping such a tight watch on everything it is hard for me to just give. The truth is, that often, I am not worried so much about if God will provide or if we will "make it" but I'm worried that I will screw up and cost the family through being lazy (resulting in eating out) getting overwhelmed (resulting in Robb having to pick up the slack) or wearing out (resulting in unnecessary medical bills). I don't distrust God. I am very fearful of my screwing up. Which of course, leads to screwing up.

So anyway, I was prompted by God during the sermon to invite someone over for dinner. I told Robb about it afterward and he suggest a couple or two, and I blurted out, "How about Candice and Cheyne (and by extension their four kids). I knew the roast I put in the oven was small, but I felt pretty sure that we could make it work. And we did. We had a great meal and a good time and lots of laughter. It's been quite a while since I had Sunday dinner company and I forgot how much I really do love to feed people and hang out on Sundays (Wolfgangs.)

Afterwards, they treated us to an evening without our kids, scooping them all up for a sleepover. Robb and I felt like we had a chance to catch up on a lot of conversations that were overshadowed by the new house and all the drama it entailed. It is always good to slip back into that part of yourself that is not Mommy.

I woke up as Robb was leaving for work and had a crazy-productive day. It was a beta-test of how things will be with all three kids in school and let me tell you, much as I enjoy not having to run out the door in the morning, I am going to LOVE being able to work without interruptions! I was able to work on my etsy shop, mosaic, listen to my daily audio Bible podcast, chat with a friend, do three loads of laundry, make a nice meal, and pick up the house...I haven't been that productive since....JUNE!

The kids came home exhausted, muddy and covered in seed ticks. Which resulted in a fairly hilarious evening of getting VERY acquainted with every square inch of my getting-big kids. I doubt I would have had the energy or calm to deal with them if I hadn't had such a great day.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

More door to door meat sales people? sweaty neighbor kids in search of their playmates? record heat? a pesky puppy thinking up more things to chew up and wreck in my back yard?

never a dull moment.

Take One, Leave One

At Vintage for the past few weeks, we have had a table set up where you can leave a prayer request written on a small card and dropped in a basket. We encourage people to take one when they leave one. Some amazing things have happened in the past few weeks, too.

The kids are spending the day with their friends and I am getting a glimpse of life when school starts...footloose and kiddy free. I'm working feverishly in my studio and it's amazing what it is like for one's creativity to not have to break up any lego arguments.

So while I work, I can pray. Have a need? Leave it in the comments. And if you leave a request, take some time to pray for one and mention which one you are taking.

I'm worried about money today. There are a lot of extra doo dabs that happen in August, not to mention getting our fees and closing costs together for the closing in September. I know that God always provides, but so far, the math isn't so good. Pray that I'll be productive with this gift of a day and maybe earn some of the money we need for some extra bills.

What I can I pray for you?