Twenty - Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

When we were 21 years old, we accepted that a wedding reception involved a nicely decorated church fellowship hall or gym,
punch and cake,
church-approved background music,
and if you were really on the cutting edge....a picture slideshow.
And not much else.
 
Back then there were plenty of relatives and friends to hug.  We got almost nothing to eat while visiting with everyone and woke up in the middle of the night at a bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere starving to death.  I deeply regretted not having more formal photos taken of the groom's side of the family that had assembled from parts unknown across the country. There is a photo of Robb fake-dancing with my Mom.  We had fun....I mean...we had pulled off the wedding part and were very relieved. But it was a buttoned-down affair, reflective of our theology at the time.

Fast forward 20 years and we found ourselves once again in a church.  But this time, there was no question about having fun.  This was a party. And Robb had thought of everything.  For him, God is in the details.

He hired Fayetteville's poet laureate, Clayton Scott,  turned food-truck-chef of Best Frickin' Chicken to cater with chicken and waffles on the menu.  Their secret maple cream gravy is no longer available on the menu, but Robb got him to make me my own delicious batch because he knew how much I love it!  Long-time friend Derek from Core Brewery brought kegs of delicious local beer.  Samantha, who is one of the single most interesting and beautiful people I have ever met in my life, created the cake with a nod to our original wedding cake, with gorgeous flowers on top and candied rose petals on the cupcakes.  Scott was emcee and spun the tunes ...a masterful mix that included personal favorites and crowdsourced dance-tunes...while his exquisite Julie arranged all the flowers, including the bouquets and boutonnieres...using daisies and roses, our original flowers.  The whole thing smacked of thoughtful planning, generosity, joy, collaboration, inclusion, and un-self-conscious celebration.

Our friends Derek and Natalie spoke words of blessing over us in the form of toasts. Their words reminded us again that the love we have for each other, the life we are building, isn't just for ourselves, but instead, brings good to our community, both in and out of our church.

Somewhere in all of this, I was getting bits and pieces about the secret Facebook Event Page where the collaboration had run wild since March.  That's right...for almost five months, this joyous scheming had been simmering away.  There had been a moment when I glimpsed the page open on Robb's computer and I saw the picture at the top of the page from our wedding day, and I asked him what it was, and he had fumbled for an answer.  I chalked it up to "the surprise" and didn't think much else about it.  Little did I know of the playlist suggestions, group-thinking, and clandestine virtual high-fives that were going on under my nose as each piece of the puzzle fell into place.

What I did know was that something wonderful was becoming obvious:  My husband, who finds it so difficult at times to be vulnerable, had dropped all masks while planning this event with everyone. He was telling the truth when he wrote on the event page: "If you ruin this surprise, I will never speak to you again."  But he was also bringing people along on a grand adventure. Instead of acting as a lone wolf, he shared the whole project, inviting everyone in on the fun.  Creativity IS leadership, and he was building trust and bonds with our children and with everyone involved with the event.  Who does something like this unless they are an extraordinary person?  He believes deeply in the comedy and the fairy tale of the gospel and he has a gift for keeping child-like wonder alive for people who sometimes drift out of Narnia and think they've outgrown it.  That is what fuels him.  That is the consistent, stubborn, nearly insane assertion he has been rock-steady about since I met him: this belief in God's grace as the transformational element above and beyond all we could ask or imagine. So why not throw a perfect party for the love of his wife?  Why not pastor a church tirelessly with a full time job as well? Why not help a stranger in need?  Why not welcome all to the communion table? Why not attempt to wade the water of politics with love in your heart for everyone?  Why not believe the Cleveland Browns could win the Super Bowl?   All is grace.

If he had a twin, separated from him at birth, it would be Natalie.  They are wired so similarly and appear so differently.  So it is no wonder that my beautiful friend was intricately involved in the whole thing, I couldn't possibly explain all that she did, except perhaps that she "got it."  She knew what he was shooting for and worked to make it all happen.

 We never learned to dance.  It was "not done" at weddings by most in our circles and there are no dances at Christian schools, either.  I would fumble badly through even the Chicken Dance.  It is kind of a metaphor, really, for how we learned to be in the world: some unfortunate mix of my personality type, circumstances and lousy theology had kept me for years under the impression that emotions must always be expressed neatly and tidily and our bodies aren't to be trusted as a medium of tidy emotional expression.  But looking around, I was easily reminded that everyone was here for joy and not one person in the room would judge us. We could dance like David and there would be no snooty Michal to ruin the fun.  So we danced the night away.   Which suited my parents just fine, because my parents are nothing but smooth and elegant on the dance floor and Robb was sure to include "their song" in the playlist.

Our Charleigh was born for dancing.  I asked her where she learned to dance like she does and she turned her chin and said, "I just make it up."   Her athleticism and fully-committed attitude had us in stitches.  I tried to keep up with her once and ended up with burning thigh muscles and a river of sweat running down my back.  But how we laughed!  And our friends!  I knew I could count on them to keep that party swinging. I could watch them dance for hours and my sides burned from laughing.

At the end of the evening,  our friends whisked us out the door without letting us help clean up.  Their send off was a sweet detail:  At our wedding, I dreamed of being sent away under a shower of rose petals, of course captured iconically by the photographer.  But our florist forgot the rose petals, and instead, I have a photo of 300 people outside a church that always reminds me of the frankly awkward scene in the Sound of Music when the partygoers wave to the children and echo their "Goodnight."  It always bothered me.   (the movie and the omission of the rose petals. Equally.)

So of course, my husband remembered the rose petals.  Of course he did.   And Nikki captured it all.

And then he said,
"Are you ready for one more surprise?"

Experiments in Free

At our church, we don't do small groups.  The language and culture of those groups had grown too bulky and loaded for what we hoped to provide at Vintage, so we instituted a different approach, which we have dubbed "Experimental Collectives."  In these gatherings, we choose a topic and attempt to DO things to learn instead of reading something and talking about it and forgetting it.

Much of our work is based on the ideas presented in our friend Mark Scandrette's book Practicing the Way of Jesus.  Sometimes we fail in our attempts, but the process of trying has proven to be incredibly bonding and also much more transformative.   Typically, we gather for 5 to 6 weeks and aim for a high level of commitment and involvement.  We take a break for a few weeks or a month and then start new groups related to major themes that our community values:  Authenticity, Simplicity, Freedom, Purpose and Community.  We have done many interesting experiments over the years, and when Mark and his wife Lisa wrote a book about finances, it became an excellent series in both simplicity and freedom.  The book is called Free: Spending your Time and Money on what Matters Most.     This was our second time to utilize the book in ExCos since we have many new people who have not experienced it.

I don't know if you can imagine inviting a group of people into your life and allowing them to see your actual budget, records of how you actually spend your time, and piles of stuff you purchased, saved, moved, dust and ultimately realize you don't need, but it is humbling and amazing at the same time.  This group had amazing chemistry and was so brave in their involvement.  And as is always the case, we got out of the experiments what we put into them.  There was a genuine sense of sadness as we finished last night, culminating the series with a focus on how we could continue to free ourselves up to be as generous as possible.  This is always an energizing idea to me as I move past wanting to be in a good financial position simply for the sake of feeling security as other Christian financial plans seem to focus on.

As we have entered the Lenten season, our family was influenced by Free to attempt to give up meat for Lent.  Some parts of this have been surprisingly easy:  it seems that I can start dinner later and make dinner faster without defrosting any meat from the freezer.  It is certainly cheaper as we bypass the deli section, frozen chicken breasts, seafood, tuna, etc.  We are eating more vegetables than we did before.  I'm admittedly already a bit tired of cheese, which I never thought I would say.  Charleigh is really over having mushrooms show up in seemingly everything.  As I think and plan for the coming weeks, I am daunted by how many menu slots I will need to fill, but I try to focus on a one week at a time and enjoy choosing seasonal, fresh food to build meals. We break our Lenten fasts on Sundays and celebrate at restaurants with our friends, which breaks up the monotony and makes us much more grateful for our food than we have been in the past.

This is our new favorite quiche recipe, which we have made several times now (including for our potluck last night) without the bacon.  It is extremely tasty and easy to make and our whole family likes it.

If you are longing for a change but feel stuck, or would just like to test-drive a new idea or practice, consider gathering some friends to join you in an experiment.  As Christians, we are motivated to try to love people better by becoming healthier people, but if you are not religious, it is still easier to make changes with the help and energy of friends.  Our lives have so much more dimension when we try new things with people who are with us.  Want to read more about ExCos?  I wrote about them before here and here. 

Worth It

This morning I woke up with a raw emotional welt.  It was one of those silly Facebook things. You tell yourself "I'm 37 not 12. It's no big deal. Whatever."  But the truth is, that whether you are 4 or 40, when somebody doesn't want to be your friend anymore, it hurts.

And then I get to thinking, "Well, it figures.  You aren't very good at friendship anyway. You never remember birthdays on time. You have never seemed to figure out giving little gifts.  You don't shop with girlfriends. You hardly ever initiate. They always have to ask you out to things. You are no fun, actually.  You have pretty much always sucked at being friends, really.  It's no wonder..."  And then, the logical conclusion (for perfectionists anyway)  "If you suck at it, you shouldn't even try to do it."

In my healthier moments, I know that for me, while I may not express it the same way as other people, I deeply value my friends.  The older I get, the more I realize how much richness they bring to my life and how cold and narrow things are without them.  I also am deeply convinced that I cannot live out my faith without them. And while I am lousy with the obvious stuff, what I most want to give to my friends is the freedom to be themselves...the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am the biggest cheerleader for the ones I love to figure out what makes them tick and how to tick better. 

But if this Lenten fast has taught me anything, it's just how vast my array of defense mechanisms are. This morning, I could feel myself retreating into myself. Wanting to hide. Second guessing everything.  Hating myself. Wallowing in black and white thinking "If you could just change everything about yourself...yeah...that would be great."  Mind-reading...you know that great game where you pick a person or two and tell yourself how they really see you.  

All of these are ways of avoiding being present, vulnerable, and aware in a healthy way.

And then the mail was delivered. Really early today. Robb went out and got it and brought me a heavy package from a friend. She sent me....the beach.


I provided the salt-water.

We haven't talked or even interacted on Facebook in awhile. But we keep in touch as best we can as two busy pastors wives and moms. We've been friends for a long, long time.  What she told me with her beautiful gift was that it's ok that I am me. Just as I believe with my whole heart that it's ok for her to be her. She reminded me today that it really is worth it to be friends. Even if you sometimes get hurt. It's worth it to connect. To understand. To laugh. To cry.  To hold up a mirror for the other person that shows them they aren't ugly as they fear...but rather, in fact, delightful, unique, kind-hearted, and brave.  I was feeling so badly this morning, but her gift made me step back and think of all the beautiful people who are my friends. They are such good people...such fun, thoughtful, wonderful people.  If they are my friends, I must not suck as much as I fear I do.

Thank you, Friend.  You did a beautiful thing.

Meet My Friends - Amber

All of a sudden I realized....I know some stunning people.  So I thought, I'd like to introduce you to them, one at a time in no particular order: 

This is Amber. She's like white paint. She washes over you and you feel like everything is good and clean and bright. She makes things pop against the simple background she creates. She is an artist, a print-maker. A wife and a mother. Want to know what is young and fresh? Follow her taste. Exhibit A? She made a treasury that made it to the front of Etsy's homepage a few days ago.  Exhibit B? She favors Twitter over Facebook.

She sees things I would have never seen without her.  She takes beautiful pictures, and some I make fun of. Because they are of me....at the parties she throws...which are so fun I forget to be on guard against her camera.  She has the ability to plan and pay attention to details that endears her to both me and my husband. Her husband is the Curator of Worship Arts at Vintage Fellowship and she is as committed and faithful to her husband and her church as I am to mine.  That creates a bond between us that I have only rarely experienced. I trust her. I've seen her under pressure and she is remarkable. She is a slow surprise, unfolding over time, that she would never reveal in a single encounter. She is too modest to reveal all her talent and experience and rarity at once. She is oblivious to how cool she is. She knows that not everything needs to be said aloud to be true.  I adore her. I feel lucky to know her.  She is my friend.

I'm Trying...

The van before we got started

The van, after!

....to blog, but there is just so much.

It gets away from you if you don't try to capture it while it happens.

There was the Heartwood

renovation. Which led to finding and installing three new artists, which led to moving everything around again to get them in.  Then there is the Grand Re-Opening to plan an execute this Saturday...press releases, driving my friends crazy on Facebook and Twitter, putting my husband and kids to work passing out invitations and grilling hotdogs on Saturday....

Hey Keri....remember this ugly pic at the thrift store?

YUP!  The freaky things you find, huh?

I should have had a garage sale.  Instead, my college roommate, Keri Burch Pierce (ie Burchie) surprised me....(I'm waiting for those pictures, Girl!)  I wish I could tell you more about our visit...the first time we had seen each other in ten years...how she plotted with my husband to surprise me and totally amazed me...how wonderful it was to have our kids play together like old friends...her littlest one charming us all...I wish I could express it, but I don't know if there are words for the gift she brought me by just being here and being HER.

And then I worked a day with my friend Holly who runs a business called Simply Organized.  One of her gigs is helping people unpack from moving.  Since her regular business partner couldn't be there, I got to help out.   That was a job I enjoyed more than I would have guessed.  And it didn't hurt that it was working with a friend I like so very much.

There are three doilies and a three finger tip towels missing!

The first sale of the day...

The flea market has taken up a bit of my time lately because someone appears to be thieving it.  I am missing several nice linens. I keep hoping they will turn up, but I am not holding my breath.  Anybody got any bright ideas how to prevent such stuff?

Best sale of the day!

Neosho's annual garage sale did not disappoint.



And the next day, Robb performed a wedding for the folks that own my Flea Market.  Edd and Nancy had a beautiful day at Blue Springs Heritage Center for their special day.  And Robb made me cry like he always does at weddings.

Today is Charliegh's birthday.  I've got a bunny cake to make this afternoon, but her favorite meal shouldn't take long....macaroni and cheese...."From a box, please, Mom?!"

A lovely wedding

And the clock is ticking much too fast....because War Eagle Spring craft show is mere weeks away.  And the house in Michigan is still on our plates. And....and....and....and....

Robb and Vanessa get bored (and sunburned) waiting for the wedding to start.

but today. I practice the liturgy of laundry and toilets.  And it feels like very sacred activity indeed.

A Super Fun Weekend - on the cheap!

It all started on Thursday. You know how sometimes, you just tumble into one of those good, meaty discussions with your spouse? Not a fight...just a really good, real, actual conversation? It's amazing how hard those are to come by sometimes, but Thursday night, somehow, we stumbled into one. Robb decided to "work from home" after that chat. I hadn't realized how hard we've been running and how much I have missed him. In another lifetime, he was in charge of his own time and we could spend as much time as we needed together, but that just hasn't been the case for a really, really long time.

So Friday rolled around gently. We had Charleigh's kindergarten orientation. I simply cannot believe that my baby is off to Kindergarten. She was so excited to be able to wear her singing monkey shirt (yeah, Target clearance $2.98) and her pink shoes (Yeah Old Navy clearance $1.50) for the first time.

After a lunch of leftovers, we headed down to the library and loaded the kids up with as many books as they could carry to help them weather the agony of the last few weeks of summer. The level of boredom these days matches the terror threat...definitely an orange. We spent a lovely half hour on the terrace of the library, me with a new Country Living magazine (bliss!) and Robb on a work call.



At home, later, Robb continued his afternoon projects around the house, blessing me the sanity. For about two weeks now, I would walk out into the garage and think, "HOW am I gonna pack this?" and turn right back around and walk out, completely overwhelmed. You remember the Christmas flood, right? Well, for 8 months now, we have had half our chest freezer packed with wet books. It was the only alternative for a lot of Robb's books which were simply soaked. I read that they could be kind of "freeze dried" sitting in the freezer, like a steak with no wrapping. So we tried it and lo and behold, the freezer was very frosty, but many of the books seemed to be surviving (there were some rather heartbreaking losses, though). He stacked books outside, sorting and we defrosted the freezer. When an empty plastic container for animal crackers presented itself, I spooned the frosty slush into it and took it outside, where many a neighbor kid was sitting, too hot to play.

An August snowball fight ensued!













When the "snow" was spent, a whiffle ball game got started and somehow, Mom and Dad joined in. Next thing we knew, a neighbor Dad joined in. I think I hurt myself. But we had a blast, playing until it was too dark to see. Not wanting the night to end,
I hauled out the goods to make smores. By 10 o'clock, Charleigh had consumed at least 3 of them...she's a big fan of the smore!










On Saturday morning, and I really do need to document this rare occurrance: Calvin slept in til 7:30 a.m. It was miraculous!!!! Our pantry was bare of anything to make a breakfast out of, and so we headed out with empty bellies to the grocery store for donuts ($3.75). From there, we headed off to the Jones Center Farmer's Market to purchase two giant bags of local produce for 20 dollars. We also purchased a bushel of the biggest, juiciest peaches, from which Robb made his mouthwatering peach salsa. For the rest of the afternoon, I was able to work fast and furiously on a number of small mosaics (pics to come). That night, we settled down to a dinner of corn on the cob, fried zuchini and roasted chicken legs, followed by a movie night ala' Netflix; The kids loved BABE paired with zuchinni bread warm from the oven.

And then there was Sunday. And that really deserves its own post.