What's Working at 42

Today, I am 42. Which frankly, with a two year old underfoot, feels pretty much exactly like 32 did.  But, as I was thinking on this around 5:30 am when my body was trying to convince me it was 6:30 am (thank you, Time Change),  I couldn't help thinking of some of the things that are really working for me at this point in my life that I didn't have 10 years ago.   In no particular order, here's what I thought of:

1. Sabbath.  Without question, the regular practice of Sabbath taking has changed my life.  Collectively, as a family, we have a day that we treat with gentleness and affection.  We rest.  We protect it.  Sometimes it's still hard to pump the breaks when all the other days are so full, but the benefits of declaring in faith, "The world can go on without my help for a few hours"  is one of the most important things I do.  I've written about Sabbath on my blog several times: Here

2.  Stitchfix. Every other month, a get a box of 5 clothing items.  Every pair of jeans they have ever sent me fit.  If that isn't an advertisement, I don't know what is.  Knowing what to wear is confusing and overwhelming at times.  Caring for other human beings really cuts into luxurious shopping time.  Putting too much pressure on my clothes to express my identity has always been a real problem for me.  For those reasons, I'm grateful for this service. It's not always perfect.  Sometimes, you get a new stylist and it doesn't work as well.  But all in all, this is a time-saver and a confidence-boost for me.  Click here if you want to try it.

3. Sulphate Free Shampoo.  My friend Natalie told me about this.  I was so tired of washing my hair every day and feeling so greasy and gross if I didn't.  This is just straight up time back on my clock that is otherwise wasted.   Read more: Here.

4. The Enneagram. The Enneagram is an ancient personality tool that has been utilized by various faith traditions for thousands of years, passed on to subsequent generations via oral tradition.  In the 1970s, it was written down in a book forms and has become popular again recently as we look to the past to teach us more about the future.  I've been aware of the Enneagram for about 5 years now, but recently I read and taught a new book that was written by Ian Crohn and Suzanne Stabile called The Road Back to You.  They have a podcast that is a great resource as well.  The reason the Enneagram is different from other personality tools is that it is not stationary. Your personality is affected by stress and seasons of growth, and this tools helps you to identify ways to support that growth and health and how to manage your stress better.  I have used it extensively in parenting and in my marriage in the past few months and it has given me some confidence in decision-making and helping to understand the complexities of the world and the people in it, especially during this election cycle.  The Enneagram helps you to find compassion for others who are very different from you because it helps you to recognize how we all have different basic fears that are driving us.   You can take an introductory test here. 

5. Therapy.  We see a therapist once a month.  At first we went for an acute problem, but it is now a safe place for us to check in and get some care for our souls.  Together, Robb and I care for a lot of people and problems.  It's too much sometimes.  I am so grateful for a trusted counselor that helps us keep things from building up into emotional messes.  Our therapist is not a "Christian counselor."  For us, that was very important.  It's too easy to slip into church-y talk and expectations and hide behind that language instead of dealing with real issues.  We firmly believe that all truth is God's truth, so we talk about regular things without throwing Christian language over it to somehow baptize our experiences. I'm also super leery of applying spiritual practices to psychological problems. I've seen too much disaster result from that. So bring on the psychological theories and the new language it has given us to talk through our experiences.

6. My Tribe.  Like no other time in my life, I lean into the strength my friends give me.  They are a sounding board, a mirror, and a safe place like no other.  We utilize the technology of private Facebook groups to create the intimacy that is not possible in the larger format of Facebook.  I downloaded the free GROUPS app on my iphone and have the settings modulated to allow my closest tribe to access my time and attention whenever there is a need, and to block out all other distractions until I'm ready to interact with them.  Not every person in your life deserves access to your time and attention at the same volume.  I also meet once a week for coffee with my people at a local coffee shop.  That time is sacred time and I am sad about how many years went by without this meaningful time of connection.  I'd be lost without it now.

7. Yoga.   This has become a healthy expression of faith and humility for me.  I still need to lose baby-weight from two years ago, but in the last two months of doing yoga at least 3 times a week, I was able to get into my pre-pregnancy jeans.  There is something about it that helps me to simply feel better.  I crave better food and I remember to breathe and feel less anxious.  I follow a Youtube channel which I can access on my phone or laptop wherever and whenever I want to.  I try to get my time in on the mat before I start my days.  Check out Yoga with Adriene Here.

8. Susan's.  Weekly dates are important, but with four kids and some crazy schedules, a Friday night dress-up date isn't always realistic. What works for us is Saturday mornings at Susan's Restaurant.  Having things you can count on takes the pressure off in so many ways.  You can count on good coffee. You can count on amazing pie.  You can count on excellent service. You can count on the time together to talk about all the things that need to be talked about.

9. The Divine Hours. It's been several years now since I first heard about the spiritual discipline of the Daily Office.  This is a series of set hours of prayer  that the church has practiced for thousands of years.  I didn't not grow up in a Liturgical tradition, but as an adult, I have come to love the hours and seasons of the church calendar.  If the year is made up of seasons, the days are made up of hours, and I begin each day with a moment of liturgy utilizing Phyllis Tickle's books, The Divine Hours.  I admit that being faithful to mid-day, evening and compline prayers is still something I aspire to, but at the very least, I am committed to a practice of reading and prayer before I pick up my phone to check email.  It helps me orient my days and my life according to what I really believe.

10. Getting older. I know the old joke...the only thing worse than getting older is the alternative.  But seriously, I think that like a lot of women, I spent a good chunk of my life feeling insecure, doubting myself, fretting about my choices, waiting for permission, being too concerned about what people think, and just generally missing out.   That ole Proverbs 31 woman used to bug me.  But when I read, "She is clothed with dignity and strength; She laughs at the future."  I know I'm on the right track.  I never wanted to be the kind of woman who grew older by shrinking up into a tiny ball of grumpy fear.   I'm looking at some major things right now. Potty training. Launching a kid to college. Transitioning into a new job.  Navigating a weird stage in marriage.  And you know what?  I'm up of for it.  If I can do what I did in the past, I grow large enough to handle all the next things.  There is a confidence at this age that is better than any age-defying, color concealing, tummy tucking product that could ever be invented.

So that's my 10 things that are working for me right now.  Take whatever works for you!

Bedroom for the Boy

The last baby I birthed did a terrible thing the other day and turned 11. ELEVEN.  He had a party with his buds and I was pretty amused to look back and see that the guys that he had for his 7th birthday were the same guys he had for this one with a few additions. 

For his birthday, I re-did his bedroom, which he has been asking for for months.  He's a really sentimental kid (I wonder where he gets that?)  and he has all kinds of trinkets, souvenirs, pins, ribbons, cards, posters...in short clutter. He also has all of his Dad's
Cleveland Browns memorabilia from when he was a kid. This was a good opportunity to sit down and have a chat about how too much stuff can weigh us down and actually keep us from being happy.  We decided to go through his bookshelf and his other stuff and pare down.

Before

After

So here is the finished product, complete with a new roller shade I made-over with an old map...a project I have wanted to do for no less than 4 years.  I'm creative but not terribly efficient. It happens. We chose a pale paint color called "Quiet Rain."  We entertained the idea of an orange, but decided that this kid did NOT need more stimulation in his bedroom, as he struggles with insomnia sometimes. 

The Boy in his natural environment.

He Buys Me Houses

My husband's love-language is gifts.  Over the years, I have come to learn this language and bask in the warmth he's created.  From sneaking a piano into the house in the middle of Christmas Eve night to the vintage book of poetry entitled "The Book of Friendship Verse" he bought me on my first birthday that we knew each other (and weren't yet REALLY dating)...his gifts have been a reminder of his constant love and knowledge of me. 

It's a hard language for me to speak at times, with embarrassing mis-speaks like the infamous shoe-shine-kit debaucle of 1997.  And if it were a competition, I would lose like I do at the foolish moments I attempted to play him at the Amish card game, Dutch Blitz....that is, regularly and without comparison. 

Five years after we left her....

In our 17 years of knowing each other, we've had to make some big purchases together. And he has managed to turn those into gifts too.  Our first house was instantly obviously destined for us, but it seemed totally impossible at first.  But he made it happen.  I had a love for that house that was probably unhealthy.  It was hard, after stripping wallpaper or glue and painting nearly every surface in it, to tell where it left off and I began.  I mourned it's loss for a long, long time.  I am pleased to say that it looks like we have a buyer...a nice young couple just starting out in life.  That soothes my heartache.

Then, when we moved to Arkansas, he bought me a couple of houses....

This one, on our second Christmas here, when we had finally learned to manage our money and we had just 35 dollars to spend on each other for Christmas.  I suggested we do just stocking gifts and he agreed.  His stocking was full of the practical and traditional things I fill his stocking with every year. Mine was full of odd empty boxes and weird lumps, which I would open and give him weird looks for and he would just shrug.  At the end of present-opening, he handed me a flat package which contained an antique framed black and white photograph of a house that I had admired months ago in an obscure shop.  It fit with a growing collection I had started of old houses, which includes one of the farm where my grandmother grew up.

And then, there was the little matter of our current house, which I can hardly believe we have been in for just one year now.  And true to form, I am just now getting it organized.

So, all of that to say...for my birthday, my sweet man trolled my Etsy favorites to find me another house for my collection.  I was delighted with this work by Randall Roberts
which has long been in my badge of favorites right here on the blog.  I could look at it for hours and can hardly wait to find just the perfect spot for it. 

I think he should teach a workshop for husbands to learn the secrets of great gift buying during this holiday season.  Don't you?

Giggle

Mattie

My Mattie turned 11 yesterday.
It's hard to reconcile the 11 year old with the smiling pink little bundle I brought home from a Boston hospital...the baby who was so angelic that I had to ask my mother if I should wash her clothes when I changed her into her pajamas because they were still so clean...the baby who slept through the night from about the first night on...who sat with a basket of books at age one and amused herself for hours...the little girl I cannot remember ever throwing a temper tantrum....who loved school from the moment she began at age four...who had the cutest imaginary friends named Curtsy, The Stinker, and the the Skunk Family....who is so remarkably good she has only gotten in trouble at school only once...who makes me laugh with her fantastical ideas...who is as cool as her father and as creative as her grandma, who just this week asked me if she was normal because she is always done with her schoolwork first and fastest....well....maybe its not so hard to reconcile after all. It just went by so fast.  She is such a help to us...unloading the dishwasher ever night, watching her siblings, helping at church, learning to cook.  I was determined to give this sweet girl a wonderful birthday present:

So I planned her surprise room redo. The minute she left for school, I dug in to the plan.  But by 10 a.m. I was ready to sit down and cry.  By then, a bagel had gotten caught in the toaster and sent plumes of sickening black smoke through the house.  I realized with disgust that the upstairs air conditioner was broken...again.  The paint I chose to paint the ceiling...and painting ceilings is something I detest...was all wrong....it clashed with everything.  And the desk I was trying to spray paint was covered in runs.  At that point, I was pretty sure there was no way I could possibly finish on time and I was utterly discouraged.  Running to the store for more paint meant getting cleaned up and wasting more time.  It didn't look good.

But, I knew I had some white paint left from the walls and if I used that, I might be able to rush the paint job since I wouldn't have to worry about cutting in.  I asked Robb to get me more paint on his lunch break and I dug into painting the dresser drawers.   By three thirty, I had the dresser and the desk and the ceiling painted, with the air conditioning man installing a new fan motor.  A roast was in the oven and the birthday cake was made.  Painting without the air conditioning was miserable, but I think I sweated out the last of the virus that has been kicking our bums all week.

Robb came home early to help me load in the room.  I had uncharacteristically planned where everything should go so I could bark out orders while hanging the bulletin board I made from a ceiling tile, and positioning the paper lanterns I found on clearance at Pier One. New bedskirt, sheets, and the bedspread I dyed the day before, plus the pillow cover I sewed really came together on the bed, and the new plants look super cute.  The end result, as you can see, has a great retro vibe that is not to little -girlish and not too grown up.  Her dad is tempted to hang out in the seating area  to watch an old movie with the kids and I am tempted by the craft table.   All of the bright colors she loves pop against the white walls and ceiling.

She was so thrilled and surprised, she could hardly talk.  She said her knees felt funny.  Then she said she would be staying in her room permanently and that I should bring her meals on a tray because she was never leaving.  She said she was the happiest girl in the world.

Little did she know that before she had birthday cake, she would open her very own cell phone.  We probably went a little over the top, but this sweet girl deserved it.

My Husband

is really a ROCK STAR among husbands. Let me count the ways:

On Friday, he lined up the baby sitter and supper for the kids, let me take my sweet time getting ready (and believe me, I took FOREVER) and took me out for dinner (and ice-cream) and a movie. My favorite restaurant here is called Noodles, and it a locally owned place. I signed up for their rewards cards last year, and they send out great coupons (to the tune of 10 dollars off) for your birthday and anniversary. I had the jalapeno lime parmesan crusted chicken on a bed of linguini with cream sauce. Oh. yeah.

And because I was in a very silly mood, I suggested we play the "Let's pretend we're on a first date" game. I haven't been on a first date in 16 years and it was darn good fun.

On Saturday, we luxuriously wasted the whole day just poking around....picked up a kid from a birthday party, dropped off flower pots, (got paid!), stopped at a couple of garage sales, came home and painted the powder room, while hubby cleaned the house and put out a beautiful, grown-up birthday party. While I got dressed he brought me a present...one of Anita's lovely twig necklaces from the Heartwood Gallery. Hannah and I have been eyeballing these for two years and he remembered. Like he does.
And then I got to see the cake. And I screamed. And squealed. And jumped up and down. And my kids thought I lost my mind. I kissed Robb while trying to squeal and jump up and down at the same time. Because every day, I read the wonderful blog, "Cake Wrecks: when professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong." So he ordered me a purposeful CAKE WRECK (from Rick's Bakery, no less, so not only was it hilarious, it was like a tiny taste of the clouds in heaven)!

And then, everyone brought me presents even though Robb told them not to. And they are all just so...thoughtful and "me." I was just so very overwhelmed. It quite redeemed my last birthday party when I was 13 years old (which was so lousy I never had another party again.) I'm telling you, it would be worth it to turn 40 to have another party like that!

I'm a crazy-lucky girl. It might be Monday now and laundry must be done, but that guy will come home again tonight and be just as amazing as ever.

She's a Double Digit Now

I wanted to frost this ipod birthday cake a little more crisply, but I couldn't find my tips (wink, wink)

Four no More

Happy Birthday Chucky

5 years ago, this little person came into the world. I wasn't there that day, but my world became a better place without my even knowing it.

She's home today with a fever, a cold, and a giant bandage on her finger. My heart aches for her, but she's so spunky, all she's thinking about is spaghetti, chocolate cupcakes and ice-cream.

Indiana Jones Runs from Cake Boulder

 

This was a weekend of much festivity. We celebrated Vin's birthday with his first overnighter birthday party with his buds. And what's an adventure birthday party without a adventurous (read: Will this work?) birthday cake.

Run, Indy!

 

Happy Birthday Vin!

 
 
 
 

 
 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOKIE

Can't tell you how much I love this guy...thanks for being my big brother. I'm never old as long as I have you to be older : )