My husband set us all up yesterday.
He started off the sermon at Vintage by asking us about people that had greatly impacted us. Hands up all around the room, eager to talk about the people in our past that have profoundly changed the way we see the world and act in it.
And then he said, "Every one of you talked about positive people. None of you talked about the negative ones."
There was a kind of gasp in the room, as the group seemed to simultaneously recall heartbreak, loss, betrayal, disappointment and anger at the same moment. He went on to talk about Lot, Abraham's nephew, who hogged up the best land for himself and then a few verses later, has to have his uncle bail him out of a tribal war, putting all of the family's resources on the line.
As an extension of the theme of this series, "YOU ARE HERE: the journey of Abraham" we participated in a journaling exercise helping us to think about where we are, where we've been, who's been there with us, and where God might be taking us. And finally, "How can you express your faith in God? What can you do to show that you trust him?"
I was taken aback at the last question, which required forward thinking, proactive versus reactive thought. Clearly, I've been playing defense lately. Pretty much getting out of bed has been an act of faith. But then again, I kind of have to do that anyway, so not really.
So I thought for awhile about it. And I asked God to tell me what that would look like. And he brought this phrase to mind: "Live like you WON'T be overwhelmed."
I feel afraid a lot of the time. A lot of my fears revolved around if I'll be able to handle what happens. I'm a real wuss about a lot of things. I say "yes" and "no" to things sometimes based on fear that I will be overwhelmed...that I won't be able to handle it.
But looking back over the last few months, some things I've handled and some I haven't. But I'm still here. The waves have crashed on this family, but we are still here. God is still with us. We are ok because God has our back. Life has this crazy way of being so fragile on the one hand, and pushing it's way up through the cracks in the concrete on another.
So that's my goal right now. To live like I won't be overwhelmed. That ultimately, I might fall down and get hurt and cry and feel afraid and want my mommy, but because of God, I won't be overwhelmed.
First test: the laundry.
4 comments:
So very much of where I've wanted to be actually...I've seriously just been wanting to throw my hands up and say " that's it! I can't handle anymore and I don't want to! I'm done!" ....and I can't or don't. I really want to tho. But the sun rises the next morning and there are little people who need me and I think " ok, one more day of this and that's it"....but it isn't and then little blessing start appearing and I remember that this is a season of my life and I have to follow through to receive the harvest. So it's deep breaths and back into it.
Excellent post. I think this will resonate with a lot of other women. Thanks for sharing!
When Ben and I went on staff with the organization we work for, we had to take a battery of psychological tests. I scored really badly/negatively/like in the DANGER zone for fear and anxiety. I don't feel it all the time - I think God's given me a lot of grace, good tools, great support - but my default mode is always fear - fear of failure, fear of death, fear of loss, fear of suffering. It's my daily battle to live like I'm not waiting for something really bad to happen to me. Sounds eerily similar to your own malady... God is good though. Just knowing this is my default mode helps me push through sometimes. It gives me the ability to say, "This is not real. It's just how I feel." Then I feel a little braver. A little. But usually a little is all I need.
my first test was the dishes...they got done and it wasn't so bad after all.
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