If it's February, it's time to talk about sex...

That's what we do at Vintage.  We talk about sex in February and money in September.  That's how we roll.

So my husband is up there preaching his heart out about being sexually whole. That God calls us to holiness and holiness is being set apart and designated for a particular purpose and being the best version of ourselves all at once.  And thinks I to myself, like I sometimes do..."Yeah.  This sermon is for other people. This is not about me.  I was a virgin on my wedding night. I'm sexually whole.  No problems here." 

And then I hear my husband list off ways that we are broken...ways we are not whole...and I hear in that list just one thing...."You aren't interested in sex"  and I am taken aback.  The next morning, I am still thinking about that.  And I "talk" it over with a friend a series of emails back and forth.  That afternoon, I find myself with a lump in my throat and hot tears falling as my fingers hit the keyboard and my heart pours out the truths about me...

Some of my readers are just like me...and some of you are from very different backgrounds. You're still rolling that whole "virgin on my wedding night" thing around in your brain.  Maybe this post isn't going to make any sense to you.   I think I'm talking to those of you who know the loaded meanings of "PDA" and "modesty" and "purity" in certain circles.

It dawned on me that deep down in my heart of hearts, I have been believing a lie from  well-meaning but clumsy sexual education (or total lack thereof):    

Sex is good like chocolate cake....It's tasty and enjoyable briefly when you break down and give in to temptation, but really if you were a person of superior discipline and HOLINESS, you wouldn't be interested in it at all.

I'm really good at one thing: being honest.  So I'm being honest here about this because I bet I'm not alone.  I bet there are some other kids who have grown up to be wildly uncomfortably with these annoyingly needy bodies we inhabit.   So wildly uncomfortable, that maybe you, like me, feel uncomfortable at the thought of raising your hands in worship. Or exercising in public. Or dancing. Or dressing to show off your best assets. Or drawing attention to yourself in any way.  Maybe you, like me, would like to blend into the wallpaper more often than not.  Maybe you, like me, find yourself a little more interesting after a glass of wine.

I've been married for almost 14 years now.  Why is this just coming up now?  That's simple.  I have a 10 year old in my house.  As her awareness to the world rises, so does my inhibition. And shame.   That's right, shame.  Nobody can cut you like the kid who's known you for ten years and is beginning to be aware of the fact that you are only human. As parents, we either rely on our own upbringing because we don't know how or don't want to do things differently; or we re-act to things we are not okay with, and do things very differently. I guess I'm reacting. And if I'm going to teach her something different, I've got to be clear on what I believe.

I want to say that I'm not exactly faulting the people that compiled my image of sex.  I think they were doing their best out of their own brokeness.   I know they were serious about keeping me from the mistakes they made.  I know they were trying very hard to protect me. I choose to be ok with that.  But I also choose to teach my kids...my girls especially...that we don't have to make choices out of fear....we can make them out of faith....with a lot of good, healthy information.

As for me, I might need some therapy.  Or at least some coffee dates with my close friends so I can talk through some of those moments in my life that still make me blush to the roots of my hair.

We are all broken, not whole, in many ways.  Thank God for being a talented and gracious mosaic artist.