Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Can I Just Be Honest?


I'm fat. Shut up. I don't care if you are comparing yourself to me, saying "she's not fat." I'm not talking comparable-line-up-fat. I'm talking for me, FAT. I ate like a pig over the holidays and now I'm not still gaining, but I'm certainly not losing it. My clothes are tight and miserable. I sit in front of the computer too much. And while I have believed whole-heartedly up 'til now that I will lose the weight "later," it is now "later" and I don't know how to lose the weight.

And to add insult to injury...

I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. The government is screwing me over in all their fine attempts to help people. The house in Michigan is never going to sell. My carpet is disgusting. My skin is wrinkly and getting worse all the time. They stopped making the moisturizer I like that I've been using for the last three years (the same container for the last three years, btw) My hair is flat and over-processed and resembles a bad wig. I colored my eyebrows....badly. I yell at my kids too much. My dog is unlicensed. My 9 year old keeps hurting my feelings with her way-too-honest observations about me. I have no idea where Charleigh's birth certificate is...or the rest of the family's for that matter. I'm frustrated with Etsy. I'm not that creative or smart or talented. People are having affairs and being stupid and hurting themselves and their families and that makes me sad and mad and frustrated. I'm scared to watch the news. I am sick of Walmart and other companies trying to use my kids as billboards for over-marketed, over-exposed teeny-bopper Disney slaves. I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm frustrated and I'm paralyzed and I'm fat.

And I don't know what my next move is.

You?

13 comments:

gerbmom said...

aw Ness,
I hear you. I can sorelate to a lot of that. I have no words of wisdom. None. I can't even seem to help myself out of my own frustrations lately.
But, I can, and I will, pray.
For both of us.
xo

wendy said...

i think that sometimes it just feels good to let out all the frustrations...especially when you're seen as a level-headed, calm and collected, sensible person with no worries.

i think that way too often we're told to put on that happy face, to grin and bear it because, damnit, we're women, mothers, wives, and friends. if we aren't being strong all of the time, then everything will fall apart.

but it doesn't.

oh, and you're not alone. i've colored my eyebrows before. more than once...and each time hoping it will not turn out as badly as it did last time.

Cindy from 12-arrows said...

Girl! are you sure you didn't steal that from my thoughts today? WOW! I so appreciate your honesty and your openness, its refreshing and a blessing, a huge blessing to me. and I want to ask for myself, just how does God fit into all of this for me? in my life, where is His help, guidance and encouragment? those are my questions to Him. We've been waiting for Him to open a door for the past 3.5 years, no job, little work, rarely an income! and we are still supposed to praise Him. WHEW its definitely tough, and hard not to let the circumstances of our lives get us and drag us under. I will be in prayer for you, would you pray for me? We have alot of the same frustrations just different circumstances.

Sara said...

All i can say is...yeah, i don't know where to start either sometimes. I wish I did...but by the looks of it I can say you are definately not alone.

I'll pray that God will give you a great cup of coffee, relaxing bubble bath, and time to just talk and be with Him. He make not fix our problems but just knowing that He still loves us often helps.

Robb said...

i like you

Jasmine said...

I have been doing morning meditations. Here was yesterday's:

"Why don't I spend part of today thinking about my assests, rather than my liabilities? Why not think about my victories, instead of defeats---about the ways in which I am gentle and kind? It's always been my tendency to fall into a sort of cynical self-hyponosis, putting derogatory lables on practically everything I've done, said or felt. Just for today I'll spend a quiet half hour trying to gain a more positive prospective on my life. Do I have the courage to change the things I can?
Today I pray:

Through quietness and reassessment of myself, may I develop a more positive attitude. If I am a child of God, created in God's image, there must be goodness in me. I will think about that goodness, and the ways it manifests itself. I will stop putting myself down, even in my secret thoughts. I will respect what is God's. I will respect myself.

Today I will remember:

Self respect is respect for God."

Tammi Nowack Photography said...

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REGISTER YOUR DOG?????!!!


oops.

Looks like you're not the only one with an illegal canine.

Jess said...

ditto, minus the eyebrow part. :I I had a good 4 day cry over the realization that even if our house in WI does sell, we can't buy a house. We will totally lose our shirts with the price it is at now. Somehow this never entered my thinking until now. Why this blindsided me and crushed me so badly, I'm not sure. Your experience renting your place out has been one of the main reasons we decided we'd rather end up back at zero than to rent it out and have it trashed. I'm sorry that is happening to you. It makes me want to sock those renters of yours. I will be praying for you this week Ness. Hang in there.

ness said...

you guys are great. It means a lot that you didn't yell at me and tell me to stop whining. : )

Jess, it's crazy. Renters...I'll tell ya...It's like you feel toward a birthparent when you adopt....super, incredibly grateful for them and alternately..."WHAT are you thinking?!?!?"

klasieprof said...

SO....I have found out that one of my bf's hub's has been having a long term affair,,,,I tried to tell her a while ago, and THOUGHT she got it..but now she finally did and didn't disown me, I found out hub is losing his job, and we are broke, I got butchered at hair place, lost a job I wanted, applied for most I don't, been snubbed by distant family visiting, had diverticulitus reoccur which means I shit myself just about daily, had to be nice to morons, get yelled at by as@@hold high schoolers, pay too much for gas, not have enough groceries, and every where I freaking go I see more fking superman shit that wants rescuing.

ness said...

And that, my friends, is a lament.

gerbmom said...

at least nobody told you to curse God and die..... ;)


Ooooh - a real word! Proust! Reminds me I really need to read the book on my bedside table......

corexian said...

I understand and can relate. I catch myself wondering either "What the hell am I doing?" or "What the hell is going on?". It's weird. Other times is just kind of a wicked fast roller coaster that makes it a challenge to hang on.

I can say this though, other people don't see you this way. I'm sure everyone that's already commented on this would agree; we all think you're pretty cool!

Daniel

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