Monday, April 28, 2008

Lost in Narration

This little, very unsophisticated blog began a long time ago as my own personal therapy to deal with a cross country move to a new life. It has some real highs and real lows. Lately, it's just been a quick post of pictures of fun things we've been doing or something I made. My soul has not been much engaged in thought. I didn't need to post deep and morose confessions because I didn't have any...I've been flying high over a new found creative outlet, the general ease of my children being old enough to survive if I am not on pointe, and our church reaching a kind of good-natured toddler stage instead of the scrawny infant it first was. Frankly, I've been pretty happy.

Wrecking your second car in a month has a somewhat jolting effect, not only on your musculature system, but also in your soul. I think I would be remiss if I didn't take the time to think this over.

I have not been much inclined to play the "what if" game. I don't normally drive that road. I don't normally have C on that side of the car. I don't always take the time to make sure her seatbelt is on correctly. I seldom drive when Robb is in the car. I've never been in a serious wreck before. I've never rolled a car, set off the airbag or attracted the attention of an ambulance. But for all that, I have the weird sense that it was all pre-ordained. Destined. That I merely played out what was supposed to happen. I cannot explain why I feel that way, but I feel it deeply. And it is strangely comforting.

I recently told H that I have not been myself. For a while now, I have merely existed in the confines of my life, with a lack of awareness for what is happening. I have just been phoning it in as a wife and mother...getting by with the least amount of effort. Lost in play, distraction, and synthetic experiences. But I think I am waking up.

The first thing I see is how bad I really am. The stark truth that I am selfish to the core. And I am needy. Our little stockpiled savings account that had me feeling so smug will be gutted soon. I am vulnerable. My life is a mere blip on the screen and the time I am given each day is the great equalizer of us all. I feel no confidence that I can change any of this. I lack the emotional energy to do anything differently. But I feel hopeful. That somehow, like my mosaic china, broken is better. Imperfect and chipped is easier to use than impervious and perfect.

So broken toe, four prescriptions between Robb and I, scraped neck, bruised and sore, 2nd wrecked car in a month, savings sucked dry... I'm listening God. Can you do something with me?


rmattocks said...

Ness, funny how we seem to be going through the same thing. You roll cars & I lose jobs. I've never been here either, and I feel completly helpless not being able to care of my boys, Ash/her girls, or even my own health. It's frustrating, scarey & depressing at times. There's little direction, and many roadblocks.
Yet, oddly - and I can't explain why - I feel that I'm supposed to keep going in the direction I'm headed and it's going to work out. I've never felt that before. I always figured a way out of whatever jam I was in, and when I did, things got easier for me, but I wasn't truly happy.
Now I'm seeing many things in myself that are changing:
-the need for me to open up to a community
- the need for me to believe by acting on it
- that I don't know what's best for me
- that I don't have to submit to what anyone else wants me to be, I just need to submit to God
- that I can't put my trust in material security, and
- that if life were easy right now, Ashley and I would have never dealt with a number of pivitol issues. I would never have learned to confide in a mate and God had to break that in me too.

At 36 my life is starting over again just like a lightening victim learning to walk and talk again. My only hope is the faith I have God will work out the details and I'm just supposed to pay attention. Despite my human shortcomings and the loss of control, this is when I feel I matter the most.

Don't mean to dump here, just that what you feel is the tip of greatness to come and pointy things hurt at first. That and God meant you to have a minivan. Love you sis

Jess said...

You are SO right on. Broken is BETTER, but something about it feels both wrong and right at the same time - a very hard place to be. Stay there though. :)

klasieprof said...

Um...myabbee God is saying...get a van, and all that entails? Just a loving thought...really. ((Hugss)))I love you, and your blog has helped me through times you don't even wanna know about because they were so dark. I'm gonna go bawl now. really. Right now.

Matthew said...

Holy cow! I take a hiatus from reading blogs for a couple of days and just look what happens. Did you not say anything in church? I must have got there too late if you did.

I'm thrilled and grateful that you, Robb, and Charleigh made it through all of that with minimal injury.

H said...

I have a theory about brokeness (probably because of so much time spent there). Much like the cracks and openings in between those mosaic pieces, God wants those cracks and openings in us.... that way we draw less attention to our beauty and more to His shining through us.

God's light shines best through broken vessels......

and yes, I agree, it's your turn to do time in a mini van.

klasieprof said...

I"ve had more time to think about this. As you know, May 2, 1998 I about died. Someday s, I wish I had. I certainly would never walk again. And yet, I did. I would NEVER be able to carry another child on that bum leg, and yet...Joy Unspeakable is here.

There are MOMENTS that Freeze for us in life, that you turn to again and again as "remembrance posts". Just as the old testament people did, they built an alter a PLACE they could go to "remember" an event.
WE don't know WHAT This event is yet for you, but we DO utterly realize it is one. YOU may not know for a while. There are 'quick' answers, and answers that come till 10-15 years out. Won't it be interesting to see what all those are.
You ar alive, your daughter is alive, your hub is alive. That is what matters. the "stuff"..yah...that always gets replaced. Even the cop had such wisdom to give you. Don't forget his words.
just was "just" an accident. But..Yah...We dont believe that. Do you?

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