Sunday, November 26, 2006

Answers have a funny way of leading to...

...more questions.

I hit my husband with this one at 8:00 a.m. yesterday morning:

Why do we even matter? I mean, really, what significance do we even have?

The poor guy. He was ready to chill out and maybe dink around online, and I had to go and hammer him with the meaning of life. I'll try to go back in time for you to help you understand what brought me here.

You see, I was wondering about what makes me significant
because I felt insignificant
because we have hit the wall financially and can no longer use a credit card to patch up the holes in our budget
because I'm not a home-owner or community member like I was in Michigan
and I'm not a new mother, which made me feel significant in Boston
and I'm not the youngest and cutest pastor's wife like I was in New York
and I'm not engaged
or getting saved
or working for Dr. Carter and Dr. Firmin, THE professors to work for
like I did in college
and I'm not the good girl who always pleased her parents
and knew the right answers in church
and got good grades
and had an unimaginable amount of hair to arrange
like I was back then
and I'm not Daddy's little girl
or Pookie's little sister
or Mommy's little helper
or Grandma and Grandpa's important guest


So what difference do I possibly make in the world? We have a Christian phrase we use that goes like this: "You have to find your significance in Christ." I would like to apologize to anyone I have ever said that to, because I don't have a clue what it means. So all of the "external things" like the un-nameable tension in my marriage and the financial woes, the feeling of being displaced and homesick, the mourning for the loss of loved ones, the slightly standoffish feeling I fight when at Vintage, the questioning our place here....these are all symptoms of this one question: What significance do I have?

6 comments:

courtney said...

this is a tough one to respond to, Sis, because nobody can answer your questions (which isn't really what you want anyways) but you should know that there are many people reading this and relating and empathizing and praying for you....and you'll always be my Big Sis.

ness said...

I think we all struggle with significance and search for it (even unconsciously) in all kinds of ways. In our best moments we let ourselves get caught up in God's goodness and forget about our smallness,
and at our worst moments, we scramble to cover our nakedness with whatever fig leaf we can get our hands on.

Robb said...

I can think of one place where you are rather significant ...

A said...

DOH!

Keep your fig leaf on dude.

klasieprof said...

Significance only matters to those that would be lost without you.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Sometimes I have to get out of thinking I'm anything to anybody..to make a difference in "life" in general.
Its easy to become focused on myself, my needs, sickness, dreams. But somehow..I think My significance increases, when I try and FORGET what my desires of my heart are (it can be SOOO sneaky and tricky and Lying), and focus on the needs of others.
I know pop psychology says to Follow your dream and all that..but sometimes I have to realign my thinking, and say..well jees..maybe if I (do the mundane say...load the dishwasher so hub doesnt' see the same dishes from 2 days ago, or call Someone I know is having a difficult time, or take food to someone)..so Maybe..IF I think of others, my significance for the kingdom will increase.

All this to say exactly what you said, "our best moments we let ourselves get caught up in God's goodness and forget about our smallness".


and just an unrelated question..who would need a bigger fig leaf? R or A?? lol.

ness said...

DOH! indeed.

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