Friday, July 21, 2006

45 minutes alone with....me.

I had an ebay buyer from Bentonville and I opted to deliver her purchase rather than ship it. We chose the coffee house off the highway to meet at 9;45 a.m. yesterday morning.

There was a church sale half way there that started at 8:00 a.m., so I got there bright and early, made my purchases and made it to the coffee shop by 9:00 a.m. I ordered a cup of coffee which took about 5 minutes off my wait. And then I just sat there. For 45 minutes with nothing to read, no tv, no computer, no kids, no dog, no phone, no hubby, just me and my thoughts and eventually...God.

Five minutes of just sitting still is a long time. Forty-five is like an eternity in some ways. It's long enough to open mental closet doors where ugly, disorganized, and incomplete thoughts are shoved.

I prayed. Not like the the laundry list kind of prayer, but the kind where you actually talk to God. And He said, "I'm here."

I confessed sin. When you are a little kid, you think that grown-ups are perfect. I mean, come on...they don't fight with their brother, get jealous of their sisters, be lazy about homework or lose their temper when they can't get their dumb bike chain back on. And then one morning you wake up a grown up and realize afresh just how sinful you really are and that you have not mastered the desire to fight with other people, be jealous for things you don't have, be lazy about your work and get angry when you can't do what you want to do any better than when you were six years old. You may have developed better social skills to hide those things, but it's all lurking there just below the good manners. Quite frankly the only other time in my life that has sucked more than this past year was the year I turned 13. I ran into heartache at every turn that year...driven by exactly the same things that have driven me this year: the desire to be loved and accepted, to matter, to feel safe and secure...back then I desired those things more than any relationship with God, and I still have to fight through that now.

I asked myself hard questions, like "Tell the truth, do you think God is doing a good job with your life?" The answer of course, was a resounding, "No I do not." Clearly, it would be much better if Robb got the managers job so I could stop worrying about money. It would be much better if the house would sell so we could stop worrying about where we live and money. It would be better if the church planting thing was going the way the guys who wrote the book about it said it was supposed to go. Of course, I mean all this in the obvious, "I hate being uncomfortable" kind of way, not the "His ways are higher than my ways" kind of better.

It was a strange appointment. A time to take stock. To be alone with God and myself and get some perspective. To ask forgiveness. To be loved in spite of myself.

5 comments:

Elizabeth said...

My soul is desperately thirsty for alone time with God right now. It is perhaps the one biggest thing that I miss since I got engaged. Maybe God will do something drastic to get me alone with Him. But I sortof hope He won't have to...that I'll get a grip on time and "set up the appointment" myself.

klasieprof said...

"Be still..and Know that I AM".

klasieprof said...

Well this is the deal. I 've been reading about Joshua..and how they marched around the city for seven days..and there was to be NO TALKING. Except the sound of the priests playing the trumpets.
ERGO: I have been relearning that maybe silence is a powerful thing. I mean..what did they THINK about as they were marching around the city not talking?
But Joshua had commanded the people, "Do not give a war cry, do not raise your voices, do not say a word until the day I tell you to shout. Then shout!
SO..hopefully my dear one, Soon we will have the day of SHOUTING.

klasieprof said...

I don't even think they could talk AFTER they were done marching.."dont say A WORD", until he said..imagine..the camp SO quiet..everyone THINKING about God.

NOT talking...Waiting.

and waiting.

for their promise to come true.

mdwinn said...

thank you for giving us a peak into your secret closet. you have tapped into a sensitive nerve one that runs so deep. thank you for being honest, may you find the healing in the confession one to another.

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