stream of consciousness

Having a dream about camp...way too many speakers...I am getting bored, can't imagine how the kids are staying quiet.

Someone from the camp introduces me to the new Pastor at IBC. He is a lot younger than I expected. He doesn't like me, I can tell...

IBC...I miss them so much some times.

What I really think would surprise a lot of them...

Makes me think of L M Montgomery's Emily Trilogy. She got famous for Anne of Green Gables, but I have always preferred Emily. She's much darker. Much more interesting and deep and facetted. I have whole sections of those books memorized...even now I can recall them....no wonder, considering I read them so many times over.

I had a few books that I would read over and over again. I don't know why. I guess I was afraid I wouldn't enjoy a new book more. I was probably right. The Little House Books, Anne of Green Gables, The Emily Trilogy, I read a lot of Grace Livingston Hill and all of Janette Oke's books and Brock and Bodie Thoene's Zion Chronicles....But some books were just more meaningful than others....Emily was one of them...I wish a Peter Jackson type would make it into a movie....

Emily was a writer. What made her good at it was that she was a student of people.

I tried to be that when I acted in college. I did that project for Oral Interpretation class when I re-used some old high-school "Fine Arts" interp pieces. Brian yelled at me for re-doing. He said I needed to do fresh stuff. I didn't really know how to get "fresh stuff" because I'm not really that smart. I was only BS'ing my way through being with the drama geeks most of the time. They knew a lot of stuff I didn't know....

...but I knew stuff they didn't know, too. Dr. Firmin told me I had the "eye," the "Spider Senses" to be in the counseling program. I didn't want to be in the counseling program though....I needed counseling too much myself....

10 years makes a big difference though...I've lived a lot since then...I've met a lot of people...

You know, there are very few people I don't really like? Robb doesn't like a lot of people, which is hilarious for a pastor. He says they annoy him. That always shocks me. I can't imagine getting full-fledged "annoyed" with someone I hardly know. But then I figured out a while ago that when he says "annoyed" he means like a gnat is flying near him. When I say "annoyed" I mean a mosquito has stuck me with it's itchy straw and I'm about to smack it and smear my own blood all over my arm. I like people.

I used to impose little personalities on all my dolls and stuffed animals. I told my mom once that I pretended they had hurt feelings about things and she said wryly, "why don't you pretend that about your little sister?" It annoyed me at the time. I must have been about 9 years old. But I didn't like my sister at the time. Now I do. I love her to death. She's one of my best friends. She makes my mouth drop open in total surpise by the good things she does for me sometimes. I love her to death.

But I stink at parties. I hate them. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Anne Lamott hates parties too. I always get so anxious at parties. It brings up all my anxieties from junior high...which were legion. And also, I have to read people...and when there are so many people in the room, I can't read them all and I get sensory overload....

I like all kinds of people...people who swear...people who don't...people who are difficult and cranky, people who are seemingly dull on the surface and then have these amazing life-stories...people who are very good and kind and never lose their temper...but I can't be friends with them. I feel too guilty....

You know why I like people? It's because they are all ticking. There are all these motivations and dreams and cultures and hang-ups and longings swirling around in them. We are all the same in so many ways and yet all so very different. I love that. I love finding out what made them into who they are. That's why I liked acting so much. I not only got to figure out why the characters were what they were, but I got to try them on. People always wanted me to direct something after I had acted in some things and I never wanted to. That didn't seem any fun. But you know what would be fun?

Writing.

I could write. I wrote a novel in high school once. It was very dramatic and all the girls loved it, which of course is a sure bet that it was drivel.

But maybe when the kids are older...

I'll grow up to be a writer.