The peace that passeth understanding, down in my heart...

I've always heard about the peace of God...that amazing calm in the midst of chaos...from the time I was a little girl. I have fuzzy recollections of singing that fast verse of "Joy, Joy, Joy" in that little white Methodist church we went to when I was very small. But honestly, I can't think of when I've personally experience this kind of peace before.

I hesitate to write about it, lest it slip away as silently as it came. But I am so surprised and thrilled to experience it, I can't help writing about it. I am just so confident that God is working things out. I'm not worried. I'm not tossed. I'm not awake and staring at the ceiling. I'm not snapping at my kids. I'm not avoiding the pain of the unknown with meaningless activity. I'm not scrambling to cover my own fear. And I'm not faking having faith. Call it that beam of light shining on me from heaven I wrote about before. That's what it feels like.

I'm not sure I can recreate how I got to this place of peace. I apologize to you, my friends who are struggling to stay above the waves. I know that some of you are absolutely exhausted by the circumstances you are facing. My heart aches for you. I wish I could give a three point explanation for how to find peace, but if I have learned anything about God lately, it is that He is not predictable or formulaic. What I do hope is that you can draw comfort from the fact that it is possible. You know I'm no faker. I abhor pretense. I despise hypocrisy in Christianity. So you know I'm not just putting on my happy face. I doubted. I said frighteningly honest things to God. I sinned in doubt. But I held on. I still hoped. I kept wrestling with Him.

Just don't give up.