Today, I wrote two blog posts before this one, and took the day off. I knew I was tired and worn down and that I had been going too fast and too hard. In my twenties, I could have pulled myself together and done some house renovations to work out my weariness, but closer to forty now, I prescribed myself a day in sweat pants.
Despite my hearts' desire to be efficiently perfect, I screw up. I make more work for people. I don't explain things well. I say the wrong things. I forget things. I take offense too easily with my loved ones. I avoid responsibilities. I procrastinate. I'm too serious, but not focused enough. I waste time. I complain about annoyances. I try to save the world, realize it's too big and doesn't want my saving, and then shrink back and wish I was invisible. I'm broken. Deeply flawed. I annoy myself. The prophet Isaiah wrote, "Woe is me. I am a man of unclean lips and I dwell among a people of unclean lips." That is me. I have sin and imperfection and humanity dripping off me in muddy puddles around my feet.
Today, I thought that if I rested I would feel better about myself, but all I did was face up to my humanity. I had enough time to recognize how far short I fall from what I wish I was. I thought today might give me more energy to serve others and hear their cries, but instead, all I heard was the dreadful hum of my own self-awareness.
Fortunately, there is this thing called grace. I need it badly. And today I claim it or else I couldn't keep functioning. Today, annoying as I am, God still loves me. Though my day of trying to rest turned into navel-gazing, God is not tired of me and has something in mind for me to do that matters more than anything I will ever try to write, or make, or plan on my own steam. It almost doesn't matter what I think. God loves me. And He loves you. That is enough for today.