Thursday, January 19, 2012

You Again?

You may have concluded from the scarcity of my online presence that I was swallowed up in a lake effect blizzard and permanently lost.  Close.  I got home from vacation at my parents house and fell into a depression.

How do I know it's depression? Because my single biggest goal in the morning is getting back in bed.  I long to become invisible.  I am genuinely annoyed at all the needy, whining entities that want my attention and won't leave me know who I mean, right?  Like those loud requests from AT&T and Dish Network that come in the mail?  The beeping on the microwave that tells me my coffee has been reheated.  "Shut up and stop yelling at me, Beep.  I'll get there when I can drag myself away from the space heater under my worktable where I am sitting here refreshing meaningless webpages that I don't care one tiny bit about." Exhausting, I tell you. 

Well, I'm not in my 20's anymore.  I know what it will take to get beyond this.  I have tried the drugs. They do work but they have side effects I don't love. And you have to mess with a doctor which takes time and money. 

It helps to talk a bit. I know I'm pretty tired and have absorbed a lot of changes in a short time and have some things that I'm angry and sad about.  (But I feel badly bugging my friends.)

It helps to write, so I'm writing. (It's uninspiring garbage, but honest anyway.

I will need to exercise. (Which is going to be tough considering putting in my contacts takes about all the energy I have.)

Lay off the wine (which is so very helpful for relaxing when you are really doing something, but not so good when you are already nearly catatonic.) 

Spend time alone with God being honest about my emotions. (Ugh, that's not gonna be pretty.

And I have to give myself some space and time. Which means I might say no to something you ask me for. Something you have every right to ask for.  I just might not be able to deliver right now. It will nearly kill me to say no to you.  I'd much rather say no to myself, drag myself forward and try to please you. 

Ok, Depression.  It's you again. You are real and ignoring you doesn't make things better.  But you aren't the boss of me. You don't have to stick around and make me and my family miserable forever. I don't have much will to fight you, but if you wanna go, let's do this thing.


Sweety Darlin said...

I feel your pain. I have been mustering every bit of my stamina just to make it to the shower. I am pretty sure all my work efforts are solely fueled by coffee and chocolate.

I know mine will take a change in career, these last 20 years have made me a miserable person and I want to feel like a real girl again.

BURCHIE ( ha ha) said...

Ness--glad you are blogging again, I missed it. Praying for ya, love ya, and hoping for the best for you for your efforts in the next few weeks!

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