Friday, April 23, 2010

Old Testament Morning

And so it was that very early on the last day of the week,
the children of Bobb were in the kitchen.
And Lo,  Mom came out to the kitchen to see what the
Children of Bobb were making for themselves.
And Mom saw that the Children of Bobb had
 smeared blackberry jam all over the floor
and that the ants would come and devour the blackberry jam
and make Mom weary that she had the ants.
"Go, Son of Bobb, and find the Clorox wipes that will make the floor
clean again."
Much time passed and the Son of Bobb was not to be found
and Mom lifted up her voice and called for the Son of Bobb
"Where are the wipes I commanded you to bring?"
The Son of Bobb faltered before the Mom
"I could not find the wipes, no, not even when going to and fro
across the whole earth."

The  Mom was displeased with the Son of Bobb
and the daughters of Bobb too, who were standing around waiting for
food to appear as if from nowhere, while passing judgment
on the oatmeal and cream of wheat Mom had mentally planned to serve.
And so Mom went out and began the search for the wipes herself,
and went out to the guest bathroom
to see if the wipes were there.

But in the morning, it was only an old bagel and a cupcake wrapper
she found under the guest bathroom sink!

And then the wrath of Mom became very great indeed.
For a half eaten bagel and a cupcake wrapper under the
bathroom sink (and not in a trash can)
are an abomination
in the eyes of Mom.
Surely, it is a stiff-necked generation that leaves a half eaten bagel
and a cupcake wrapper in such a place.

While the wrath of Mom still burned,
she went to the kitchen to clean up the jam with a paper towel
and made the Children of Bobb some manna...
because there was no cereal for them in the inn.
And all the Children of Bobb vowed before Mom
that it was not them that left the half-eaten bagel with a schmeer
and cupcake wrapper in the bathroom.
She opened the refrigerator and found  the leftover deviled eggs from
the great feast she had served the night before.
But Lo, the eggs were not covered
and had gotten very dry and crusty and absorbed the smells inside the refrigerator.
By this time, they stinketh!
And again, the wrath of Mom burned.

In the course of time, she took the eggs on the egg plate
and carried them to Bobb the Patriarch
and held them out to him.
"Oh, No!  I would never eat the unclean eggs!" He said.
And  the Mom inquired of Bobb
"You would not eat the unclean eggs,
but you did not follow my law
{many pages long}
to cover all the food that goes into the refrigerator.
And now, who will eat the eggs?  For they are all
as an unclean thing."

The Mom spake and said,
"Why am I thus?
For these people honor me with their lips
and coloring pages and Mother's Day Cards,
but their hearts are full of half eaten bagels,
cupcake wrappers, blackberry jam,
uncovered eggs ....and a plague of ants!"

And Mom was very weary of The Children of Bobb.
And a little bit amused when she started writing this in her head
while it was happening.
And she had mercy on the Children of Bobb
and did not open the earth to swallow them up
but rather, decided to love and forgive them
for obviously, they know not what they do.

Not unlike the Mom herself most of the time.

8 comments:

betty crocker said...

I just peed myself

carahinojosa said...

"Why am I thus?"...that put me over the edge. Hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

You have given me a completely new perspective on the Bible! For that, and a good laugh, I thanketh you!

Annie

Life with Kaishon said...

How creative are you?

Clark Kent's Lunchbox said...

Funny - just tweeted it to 800 people.

angelynn said...

This was the funniest post I've read in a while. And so true. Loved it!

Keith Wilcox said...

"half eaten bagels" :-) I'll never read the bible quite the same way again. Genius. Thanks, Ron, the the tweet!

Shan said...

BA HAA!!! Well done timeless woman of the WORD!!

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