Sunday, November 15, 2009

Grief

I have no formal plans this week. No events I must show my face to. There's not much to punctuate life this week. Except for the gigantic whir of my front loader in the spin cycle, the house is very quiet and like several 3 a.m.'s this week, I am left alone with my thoughts.

But instead of words, I simply see an image: me sitting down wearily on the floor before Jesus, resting my head slowly against his knee with a long, emptying sigh. I am still sad. We moved into a lovely home where we can have our friends visit us and I had a wonderful birthday and I adore my husband and children. I've band-aided myself with shopping and wine. I've carved out comfy little spots to sit and watch tv and snuggle. I've buried myself for hours in work. But when I am alone in the most singular place in my soul, I am still sad. And I know that nothing will really make that sadness go away. I function fairly normally on the outside, but underneath, there is a hollow place, a cavity that hurts when certain things touch it. I don't know how to talk to God and I haven't in a long, long time. What is there to say? So I just sit here quietly beside him. I am still very sad. And I know that He understands. Maybe someday I'll know what to say again. But for now, I just visit him without saying a word.

6 comments:

jess said...

Lord, keep drawing Ness to your side where sadness is not rejected, or diagnosed, but fully understood and welcome. Protect those quiet moments when You and your Holy Spirit can connect, spirit to spirit - without need for words. Satan wants to twist this into something he can use, pulling her toward shame, darkness, isolation, and fear. But sadness is not darkness to you, its a reality of our fall from you that you not only understand, you have conquered in Jesus. Give Ness a taste of that victory on this earth. Help her to hold on to it, to trust it, and to find strength in it, until she is at last with you in your kingdom were sadness is less than a memory. Lord, give her opportunities use her sadness, the pulse she has on the sorrows of our fallen world, to demonstrate your presence - in her art, in her marriage, in her church, in her new neighborhood. Fill her with a wordless understanding of your pleasure in her today.

ness said...

Thank you dear Friend.

Keri said...

With tears in my eyes I say what a blessing you are as a friend, Jess, and how much I admire your honesty, Ness. It gives me courage to remember that this life doesn't require perfection, just cooperation(obedience)with God's beautiful plan.

ness said...

yeah, honesty is my thing, I guess. I suppose it's pretty obvious in some ways...I can barely blog these days....but I guess it just felt like I needed to say it.

Ironically, I discovered tonight that the kids have been sad too. They all admitted that they have cried by themselves at times without telling anyone. We had a little cry together and hugged and talked about heaven and how good God must be to able to somehow set everything right someday.

TheDorothyFamily said...

It's ok. He knows.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh, I am so sorry that this has happened. I cry when I think of it for you. I am glad you are sitting with God. I wish I had more words to share. I don't. Just know that I am thinking of your family at this time. And I am thinking of you.

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