At our last women's group, we talked about Change. Specifically, change you want, not the kind that just happens to you.
I began to jot down notes about the things that really affected change in our lives. While the specifics of group stay at group, I don't think anyone would mind me listing here the things we shared as catalysts of change in our lives.
1. planted seeds from long ago.
2. God Himself
3. long process
4. when others notice a difference about you (and confirm it)
5. relationships
6. small victories
7. observing change in someone else
8. awareness of a need
9. remembering and looking back
10. joining a group to focus on a particular need (ie. 12 steps)
11. examining our desires
12. change in belief
Very few of us had any success making a change by just pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and keeping our desired change to ourselves until we could unveil it like a an extreme makeover. No quick change seemed to stick. Most of the positive changes that stuck in our lives came in the context of relationships.
I yearn for change right now. I am deeply dissatisfied with certain things. When Mick Jagger sings "I can't get no satisfaction" I understand. When Bono sings, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" I understand.
I had coffee with a new friend yesterday. I like her a lot. She asks big questions. I felt like I'd had a good yoga session after talking with her. She helped me to think out loud about what's going on with me lately. About what I'd like to see change. I'm still thinking and gathering my thoughts, still trying to bring things that have happened in the last six months into some kind of focus. I told her that it feels like I have three jigsaw puzzles in front me right now, all mixed up. Every day now for awhile, I get up and wonder, "What am I doing with my life?" At times in the past, I have had razor sharp focus, completely clear on what the objective and goals are. But lately, it's all gotten very muddy and confusing.
I'm ok with the crazy feeling as long as I know that at some point, I will be clear again. I'm okay with not knowing what the changes need to be. Some of you are reading this thinking, "Have a drink and lighten up!" Some of you are reading this, thinking, "You need to read your Bible more." (I assure you, I've tried both.) But some of you are reading this thinking, "Yeah. Me too." And that's why I write.
5 comments:
yeah. me too. thanks ness. love you!
I can certainly identify with the whole "muddy and confusing part". I wish everything was simply obvious and straight-forward with no ambiguity for everybody like I like to think it should be. ;-)
There are a number of things that desperately need to change in my life, but I simply don't know how it's going to be brought about, and I'm paralyzed at the prospect.
You placed into words what i haven't been able to do.
Right now i feel completely unfocused and at a loss in some ways. There are changes that i know that i need to make, and need to be made, but i just don't know what to do.
Sometimes i look at the things that i know i could do and that should be done and i don't want to do them.
Maybe because i know that the change would be good...but changing is also very hard to.
Guess you probably already guessed which camp I'm in. I'm envious of your conversation. Not very many people ask good questions these days. :)
This is why I love your blog almost more than any other blog.
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