Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Hey, I'm back...

Wow, I'm so behind, word's can't express...and yet, here I am blogging away. Well, as I heard at the Beth Moore simulcast a couple weeks ago, "impression without expression causes depression." I've had some impressions lately.

So Friday morning was a busy one, with me hitting the grocery store and trying to get the house in apple pie order for our friend's visit. They are the kind of friends who absolutely wouldn't give a hoot if the house was clean or not, but I needed the motivation to get some stuff done that I would just put off was great to "gut" both of the kid's rooms and get them really nice and clean, and also to remove the dust samples I've been growing in our room...what the heck is up with that dust under the bed anyway???

Next time I see a Kirby vacuum at the Salvation Army and I am so buying it!

Anyway, so you can imagine how, with all this prep going on, it would be inconvenient to have a melt down, but I did. I could feel myself growing anxious the whole week, but I just kept ignoring it, hoping it would go away. But on Friday morning, it kind of all came into focus...I was anxious about my friends seeing the way we live now.

What a weird thing, huh? But they knew us in MI and how things were for us and everything is just very snug here...there is very little room to mess up with money, or to stretch out in a room by yourself or take time off from your work-at-home addiction...oh, I mean job.

Had I been thinking a little more clearly, I would know they don't care. That they love us for who we are as we love them. But I wasn't thinking clearly. I was, for a variety of reasons, rehearsing and revisiting for the thousanth time our choices in coming to this place. In fact, the "bad voice" in my head had been telling me some very bad lies...lies so bold and so grim, I actually paid attention to them.

So with tears running down my face, feeling very lost, I tried to explain why I was freaking out to Robb while we drove home from his work. I could see him juggling my doubt and anxiety, trying not to loose it with me and get angry. And then, like he does, often, he reached down inside his heart and set the Truth in front of me....

"Ness, we are in a season of our lives of sowing. We are not reaping yet."

I remembered that verse that says, "Those that sow in tears will reap in joy" and I relaxed. What a safe and solid rock for my thoughts to rest on. I relaxed and finished my little jobs for the afternoon and welcomed my friends, ready to enjoy them and be present in our time together.

The truth really does set you free.


courtney said...

good to hear from you again--figured you had alot on your plate so I waited to call but hopefully we can get caught up later this week. love ya

akr said...

So with you on the sowing season. Things are slow here and sometimes it's hard and you wonder when you'll ever get there with church, relationships, the whole thing!

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