Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I miss my soul.

Yeah, that's about it. I realized the other day that it's been a long time since I had a conversation with my soul. I've been on auto pilot, I guess, just trying to get my work done, keep my family happy, satisfy my shallow appetites for snacks and clothes, and basically not think too much about things that feel like too much.

It's a coping mechanism and coping is good. It just occurred to me recently that I hadn't felt wonder at anything for a long time. I haven't done anything that satisfies my longing for beauty. I haven't had any journeys, only destinations. It's obvious by my blog posts. Things feel boring and mechanical. I have been having a hard time working, but an even harder time making myself do something other than work. I'm not unhappy. Things aren't bad. It's just like I'm living in a dream sequence, where everything is muted and slow moving and I'm strangely unaffected by anything that is happening around me. I'm even sure how long this has been going on.

I am hoping to wake up soon.


Melissa Larson said...

Hey!!! I have been thinking about you alot lately! I see you are on co-pilot...well it beats being depressed and overwhelmed (which is probably a normal emotion for mothers of 3!). Maybe feeling numb is a defense mechanism. I don't know. Anyway, I would love to get together some day. We can hit the park and the kids can play or something. Let me know when you are free! Melissa

courtney said...

we are in the school-rut daze here. I've worked 8 days straight and honestly didn't know which day it was today (had to look at my cell phone). It's been two weeks since Ron and I talked about anything that didn't involve the phrase "how was your day?" while the other person's eyes glaze over. I feel like I'm on hold--like the tulips I've potted early and placed in the dining room...soon I hope to have little shoots of life return.

klasieprof said...

Trying to clean, taking care of nutty mom, Hospitals, doctor's visits I didn't know about till the last minute, kids, other people's being called pressures-NOT even working this week, trying to get food together for 5 days I'll be gone, babysitters, afterschool problems, dance, tae quon do, Cars, money, Bank canceling my Line of Credit, Ice, snow, Cloudy, not being able to poop for 4 days..(whew that ended this good thing :) ) , Clothes for kids, no time to scrapbook, no money for bills, phone getting cut off, Electricity going out, Sleep difficulties, Yah...

ness said...

Melissa! How are you? I've been thinking about you too...Let's definitely get together! I'm booked this weekend, but how about coffee next Friday morning?

Court...I hope your tulips bloom soon. : )

D...just two more days. Whatever isn't done by then, just get on the plane and fly away....There's a room here for you that is quiet, clean and ready for you to chill.

Candice said...

Hey Vanessa! I can blog! :)

I t can get numbing, yeah. It is weird that dreamlike feeling. It just discombobulates you. It is hard to find the time, though. I feel ya! It seems like we need to slap that goal right up at the top of the list, the "mom has a spirit that needs fed, too" goal. I know that when i do no "God Time" for a week, I just feel different, a bit lost, like forgetting where I parked. Anyway, let's all remind each other to take that time.

akr said...

I've so been there! It's so easy to be there too...half alive so you don't have to deal with the inside because it's safer just to keep the chaos around you attended to. That's why the red dot thing hit me! It's been a good reminder at times!

Blogging tips