The Art of Mothering

I found out I have some new readers recently, so I apologize for the boring posts lately :)


Much of my recent thinking has been swirling around the great task of mothering.

I'm listening to a book called "The Seven Stages of Motherhood." Should polish off disks 7,8 and 9 today. I feel like I did a mental journey through pregnancy, postpartum, first-time todlerdom, preschool and kindergarten so far...no wonder I was so tired last night.

I'm ruminating on conversations at church touching on how we all feel insecure as moms... and such an interesting spectrum of women at our church right now...from the mother of newborn twins to the established mother of five...to the mother of grown children...there are so many questions to ask and so much experience to share. They had to throw us out of the lobby on Sunday as the conversations were just rolling along... How could we better facilitate the Biblical concept of the older women teaching the younger women?

I filled out the application for information regarding foster/adoption in Arkansas. Within two days, I had the info for monthly orientation meetings and a phone call from the "resource person." I took hasty notes on an envelope and found that many babies come into care in this area because of Garrett's law...which states that babies who test positive for drugs at birth must be removed to foster homes. So I have been doing some cursory reading regarding meth babies in particular.

For those of you who are gasping at the fact that we are thinking about this again, take a moment to catch your breath....apparently the prospect of things "settling down" naturally leads to this path for us. I feel a little guilty about the fact that I didn't love being pregnant, and adding to our family that way again is not appealing at all. We are both not sure that we are "done" however, so we're just thinking about it right now. It would require a lot....like a new car and a little more financial security than we have had in the last year or so....but we've never been ones to worry too much about having it all before loving a kid. And, it is such a long process, that it takes some timing skills to know when to jump onto the train. Donna has said often it takes a year to think about it...but I wonder how long it takes the second time?

I'm not that mom, by the way, that is SO into kids that she just wants 14 of them. I'm not really very much fun as mom, really. I like my kids, but I'm not all that great at it, compared to others. In fact, I have recently come to the conclusion that I am a great wife...really, I can say with confidence that I have put a lot into our relationship and feel really confident of the strength of our bond....but as a mom, I have no such confidence. I have a few vague theories that I am working out, but I reject a lot of the current fashion regarding mothering. I marvel at some of my blog friends and how they do such creative and fun things with their kids...how they hang out with their kids...I'm not that girl. I love my work and I love being busy. My kids know that even though mommy is here, when she is working, she is busy...so don't be bugging her with stupid interuptions (ie.."MOM! can I watch tv? She keeps bothering me! I'm bored." etc. etc.). It sounds harsh, I know, but I tell my kids often, "My job is not to entertain you." And I really believe that it isn't. I'm here for them to answer their questions, to keep them safe, to feed them, to hug them, to laugh with them, to remind them of their responsibilities, but if they want a tea party, they'll have to schedule it for the times I'm not working.

I guess the truth of the matter is that I have never allowed the kids to be the total center of my attention. I get the impression that that is different from other moms. I hold this view partly out of fear (of putting my whole self into the kids and then being bereft when they move out) and partly out of thinking it is right. I retain a certain detachment from my children. I respect them as individuals completely separate from who I am. I've always felt that way too...from the time that Mattie was a tiny baby and I could tell that she hated wearing socks or that she didn't need or want to be held too much. I just figured..."Hey, that's who she is." It took me longer to figure out Vinny..his need for ritual and things he could count on to help him feel secure and more confident of what he can handle. He is very like me in many ways, but he likes to be with someone/anyone much more than Mattie or I do (like his dad?). And Charleigh...well, she is a constant wonder to me since she is made out of completely other stuff.

And maybe I am detached because I am not confident. I've always avoided things that I couldn't be the best at. If I'm not certain I can be THE best mom, I'm probably avoiding trying to be the best mom I can be.

I am just as concerned with how the job of mothering (or housework or church or art or clothing or memory-keeping) was done in the past as I am with how it is now and how it will be in the future. I'm actually more concerned about the past. "Vintage" is not just the name of my church...it is a philosphy for me. I think there are some real positives to the way things were done in the past, and not everything new is better.

Okay, I just wrote those last few paragraphs with a lot of bravado and a certain amount of...'Okay, I said it...now jump all over me and tell me how awful I suspect I must be."

So how do I square all that "hands off" mothering style with considering another child? I think it fits well, actually. My goal in mothering is to raise kids who are self-reliant and confident of their ability to make good choices, able to take care of themselves and others, and responsible with their resources. My goal isn't to make childhood the best time of their life, otherwise, why would they want to leave it? I believe that what makes childhood magical and good is the safety and security of being protected from adult worries and realities until they have practiced the skills and coping mechanisms to face them...NOT the paving of life from the time they are small, so that the bumps are minimized as much as is humanly or economically possible. So, ultimatley, I think it's good for my kids to welcome another needy kid to our family if we can.

To me it is all about resources and goals. You are given a certain amount of life to spend. What are you gonna do with it? I'm still really working on evalutating this. I'm at a point in my life where I am asking the question, do I spend more on myself or do I just admit that I've given making my mark in life a good run and my resources are now going to focus on "what I can do for my kids?" This past year has been focussed soley on survival...as a Christ-follower, a couple, a family, a church. We are moving on now. Now it is a question of now what? How do I contribute to making this church work? How do I express my own creativity and "accomplish God's purpose for me in my generation"? How do I care for my children in the best way possible to help them love God and follow Him? Do I move my kids to center-stage now... or ever? It's a lot to think about. I'll need more time to think it through...and more voices of experience to listen to.

The circles of my influence (wife, child of God, mother, etc.) are crying for some kind of mental re-organization. Most of all, I'd like to be delivered from the contant feeling of guilt..."I should have done more, I should do it differently...I shouldn't have done it that way...." etc. etc. I know it is a common feeling, but I can't imagine that God wants us moms to live in the constant shadow of guilt. Or maybe, it's just part of the curse...part of our pain being greatly multiplied in childbirth...

yeah, feel free to jump in on this before my head explodes.