Monday, November 20, 2006

Change takes time...

You can probably guess from some of my previous posts that I am in another "thinking cycle." I guess that is how I deal with the world...I think about it for a while, I talk about it, I attempt to make changes to better deal with things. Then I get PMS and start all over again.

We have entered a different time in our life. It is a time of settling in. This past year was all question marks and temporary fixes, but now it is time to rebuild. I need to make some changes in my work habits and my perspective now and I'm anxious about it. I know you aren't supposed to be anxious, you are supposed to pray and I guess that has me going back The Papa Prayer and once again trying to present myself to God as I really am, not how I think I should be.

Our finances are a bit of a disaster. I guess I was ashamed to say so openly before. But we haven't been living high on the hog around's just the circumstances have all come together in a way that God is using to force us to be real about it. We've wrestled with good financial skills for ten years and I doubt we would be taking it seriously now if it weren't for the very real need to take it seriously.

I've been wrestling with our call to Vintage. There has been a persistently shrill voice of doubt saying "If God really needs a new church so much, it should be a lot easier than this." Course it sounds silly when you say it out loud, but in your head, with all the distortion, it sounds very reasonable. Knowing the pain of my friends in MI and being basically worthless to do anything about it has been hard too. I feel so much guilt for leaving. And chronically having to say "We Can't" to the kids hasn't helped either. Throw in a little tension in my marriage that has never been there before, and you've got yourself a recipe for taking serious pause.

Wow this is really honest. But this is the record. This is the book of my days. This is part of the story. So I'm telling it.

Yesterday was a good day at Vintage. I decided to settle in and try to be present in that moment, like I haven't for a while. I often hover above the service, removed so that I can observe it and be able to tell Robb if it was okay or not. I didn't do that yesterday. I guess part of it was having a couple of friends there who I am beginning to trust and open myself up to. That's a big thing. It was a service of praise and thanksgiving...and we asked people to tell their stories. That was important...I can't see what is happening in people's hearts and just because they keep coming back, I can't know what God is doing in them unless they tell us.

It isn't just that a few people said they like Vintage that helps me see that we are on the right road. It is like a song, with the notes playing harmoniously together....that when I yeild myself to God's plan, there is a sweetness, an integrity, a wholeness that I cannot experience when the clamor of doubt is allowed to play at full volume. I feel it in my relationship with my kids, my husband, my friends. I feel it vertically between God and I. There are more changes to make, but He is here.

I'll never be perfect here on earth. I will always screw up. I will always be insecure and lose focus and feel a little lost. I still feel trepidation as I stand at the bottom of the hills that have to be climbed, but I'm willing to go.

1 comment:

Sara said...

Thank you for being so honest with us all. I'll keep praying for you...It's not much but it is all i got to offer right now.

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