Monday, October 02, 2006

Just say it...

...in the fine tradition of HIAB...I'll just tell the honest to goodness truth.

I'm struggling with some depression right now.

Yeah, all you armchair psychologist probably saw this coming, but just for the record...I've pushed too hard and here I am. Yeah, I'm thin. I have cute kids. My hubby loves me. And I am prone to depression. It's just part of who I am. When I get really tired or too many life changes overlap on one another, I just sink down into this dark place. They usually last three to four months, sometimes less, sometimes longer. I've never tried going on any medication for it, but I might be willing to if this one lasts much longer. My body aches. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I don't enjoy doing anything. Weird things upset me tremendously, like the area rug in the living room, which collects a lot of dog hair and makes me feel like a failure as a human being. So I rolled it up and put it in the garage. Mostly, I'm just tired. My soul is tired. It's too painful to think about a year ago or a year from now. This should be -based on the sheer volume of disappointments lately--the worst one ever, but I learned a lot from the last one (almost 5 years ago) and I'm going to try to short-circuit this.

A couple of weeks ago, it dawned on me...maybe even during an episode of Greys Anatomy (and even my favorite show leaves me a little cold)...that pain is a way that God tries to tell you something. I've been ignoring pain for so long, like the oil light in a car, it's no wonder my "engine" is in trouble.

A lot of people have no room in their theology for depression. If you are one of those people, go away and don't comment here. If you are not prone to depression and therefore have some kind of superiority complex, I can guarantee you are prone to some other annoying weakness, and you don't really want me speculating about it.

This is me. No airbrushing, no anesthesia. I find that nothing ever really gets better unless you are honest about it.

11 comments:

klasieprof said...

Get on some meds. I remember after My car wreck..I refused to get on meds as they were for "WEAK" people..and why can' GOd just SEE ME THROUGH this..etc.
anyway..long story short..2 weeks of meds..I got up...Looked out the back window..and...FLIPPED me OUT..I was actually seeing in Color!!
Everything had gone "grey". Yes. I don't understand it either..but its true.
Stress..changes the CHEMICAL components of your brain...you need CHEMICALS to get it right. the synapsis talking back and forth are skewed. RUN don't walk.
and...

((HUGS)) welcome to the club.

courtney said...

You already should know where I stand on all this, Bean. It's time to take advantage of some help; you can't take care of everyone else and ignore your own needs. The bank gets over-drawn pretty quickly. you don't have to look too far into our family to know what happens when you just keep ignoring your humanity. I love you.

A said...

Sitting near by on the trash heap in silence . . .

Darla said...

"and then he (elijah) went on into the desert another day's journey. he came to a lone broom bush and collapsed in its shade, wanting in the worst way to be done with it all--to just die: "enough of this, GOD! take my life--i'm ready to join my ancestors in the grave!" exhausted, he fell asleep under the lone broom bush." 1 kings 19:4-5

you are not alone

depression is real.

praying for you girl...

klasieprof said...

Ok. I've been thinking about this alot since this morning. One thing that jsut ticks me off is that a lot of people (not just in the Christian rhelm) think Depression is something that you can
Just brush off" or..if we worked HARD enough we could "pull ourselves up by the bootstraps".

One of my dearest friends and I just Do NOT discuss it ..she has no idea the depths of it..she gets upset as I choose NOT to talk to her about it..but She simply has a WAY (and wrong both because of the statistics and research involved in it) viewpoint.
Honest to God..when she was here a few months ago..(and i"m not Bitching about her..I love her and she is like my sister)...whe and I TRIED to have the depression discussion..and then..she went to lunch with a friend of hers a professional who quit his feild..then sunk into depression..and then "DECIDED" to quit being depressed.
So..once again her viewpoint was again verified.
So where does that leave me? Well what it does is sometimes for weeks at a time..I dont feel like I can talk to her. I say..Oh..I want to crawl up in a ball (Or i hve done so)..and sleep all day..or..I'm so glad Don cooks because I think the kids would be eating sandwiches for weeks at a time..
OH and here in Michigan..October is Derpression screening month!!
I remember taking online Screens..and at the end...would laugh my head off..."are you STILL alive???".."Call for IMmmediate help"...LOL

Sara said...

I'm not always the best of all friends, but i'm here for you. I'll do what i can to help make life a little easier on you. I can't take away the emotions, i can't take away the pain, as much as i would like to.

I'm depression proned as well, always have been, but during the darkest times of my life i've been able to not have to worry about kids, a house, and a husband.

I understand what you're feeling, but i can't fully understand it to the extent that you're feeling it.

So, i'm here.

I love you..

I'm here.

And Vanessa...

God whispers to the inner most part of your soul ...

"I'm here, I love you. I'm here."

ness said...

thanks team...

something tells me it's gonna get a little worse before it gets better

akr said...

I distinctly recall an episode on your bathroom floor...yep...been rock bottom...still get back there sometimes...don't always understand why but I understand how your feeling...I know a lot of pat sayings that may put a little bandaid on it but truthfully all I know to say that means anything is I understand.

ness said...

amy...I remember that. you happened to be on the bathroom floor that time, but I think a mere couple of hours later, I took a turn...Who'd a thunk all these years later...????

gerbmom said...

Hey Ness,
I went through a horrible, gut wrenching depression last year. And still didn't seek out help. Until my hubby and my friends finally sat me down and intervened. So I am now on meds, and it has worked wonders. And even when I "forget" how bad it was my family is quick to remind me. Life is good again. I know I will be on the meds til spring....
For some reason in our "Christian" circles we tend to beat up on people who have depression issues. And we berate them for lack of faith when they resort to meds. To me depression is an illness like any other, and we have medications to alleviate the pain. We would be foolish to choose to suffer in the name of "Christianity"
Praying for you!

ness said...

Thanks Karen...it really is so familiar to all of us. I just want to wait a little longer to see if it is really necessary...I hate taking medicine and I especially hate chemical stuff...I'll take it if I have to, but I'm just holding off a little longer....hoping for some good news...

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