Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Of Glasses and Claustrophobia


Well, it's the end of day one wearing my new glasses, and it was quite nice to read the computer screen and not have the distinct impression that there were really two of everything. So far, they are okay. But as I was getting dressed, I had a crazy freak-out moment. I was wearing a pink shirt and my glasses have a distinct orangey tone. What have I done????? How long will I have to wear glasses that clash with my clothes??? For that matter, how long will I have to wear glasses????? Shoot...it's not like my eyes are going to get better! I can't exactly just stop wearing them, can I? I'm in this for like...life. The walls are definitely closing in on me....it's getting warm....too warm.....

We make choices in life. And sometimes choices just have to be made, whether we want to or not. The laws of cause and effect take over and one thing leads to another and next thing you know you are living in a van down by the river....or at least in a house you don't own.

If I was Lot's wife, I'd turn into salt too. I always look back. I always have moments when I think, "What the heck did I do????" I know I can't go back, but I have to have one more glimpse of what I had. And then I have a panic attack or a moment of hysterical claustrophobia. The change is just too much to take sometimes.

"I don't really need glasses. Just throw that file away and I'll go back to squinting."

"Here, take this baby back. I made a mistake. Turns out I'm no hero. Heroine. Whatever."

"No, really, I'll wear skirts to church Sunday morning, Sunday Night and prayer meeting on Wednesday, sing hymns only, and give up wine. Just let me back in...."

and then I remember how I got here. I remember that when you believe something and you act on it, stuff happens. Crazy stuff. Scary stuff. Good stuff. Bad stuff...or stuff that looks bad, and then you realize months or years later that it was actually good stuff....like being able to see.

one of my favorite hymns just came on my iTunes: Be still my soul. It's so instructive. Shhh. Here...put this bag over your face. It's okay.

9 comments:

klasieprof said...

HA!! Honey I happen to LOVE that shirt, and I just saw it on you this weekend, as it is the one you wore in the Foster parent video. !! You guys looked SOO cute!! Randy and Laurie from the BChome were there also....
I know The glasses thing..I"M doing the SAME thing now.."well I only need them for magnification"..LOL...I bought a bunch at the dollar store to match my varying moods (the most important being..which pair can I find at the moment.)
No dear..You can't go back. The moment you leave, the "back" changes. Except..THAT baby..I'd take her..you've done most of the Hard work. (and done it very well).
I dont say this often enough, But I am VERY proud of you ness...You are Right where you are supposed to be, in so many areas.
((hugs))...d.

Sara said...

YOU LOOK SO DIFFERANT!!! (not in a bad way at all!!)

I haven't seen a picture of you in sooo long...I miss ya!!

You are a tremondous encouragement to me...

I'm reading a book by john piper right now called.. WHEN I DON'T DESIRE GOD!!

and i just got done reading a chapter about seeing God..and how God enlightens our hearts to see his glory..

Your story reminds me of seeing the glory of God unfold before our eyes and sometimes it takes scary, hectic, and very dark tunnels, to see the beauty, the wonder and awe, that is the Glory of God

I love you!

courtney said...

Hey Sweetie, looks like we might be twins after all. My glasses are just a little different than your and my hair is to my shoulders now but other than that, I think we are shoe-ins to play the Boor girls in the Valley. You look great and--hey--you can see! who knew?

Sandy Mc said...

ok...another "I must be wierd" moment. I never have been a looking back person. Constantly moving in a forward direction can be unsettleing too, trust me. You see all these other people who seem to "have it figured out" have a "destination in sight" for their lives and just when you think maybe you are "arriving" you find out that the passage is not over yet.

I have also felt that as I have lived this life of letting God knit my life together in *snippets* that from a human eye don't always look like a true progression, one is more readily questioned about their purpose. I try to live by the spirit daily, and many people are uncomfortable with that.

And BTW, I like you glasses VERY much...I happen to think fashion and style is over-rated and sold to women as a means to encourage them to be "of the world."

klasieprof said...

HA..OK we made this picture our screen saver..so now you are floating around our puter...
LOL

ash said...

i think i want that blouse back...it was really a fav of mine..very soft cotton that gets softer every time you wash it.....but it does looks better on you, even if it clashes with the glasses that are also similar to mine....i might look like you and court too, but the blond hair keeps me from being a "valley girl" shoo-in...

F.B. Jones said...

I would like to invite you to join The National Society for People with Nouns for Last Names. Maiden names qualify.
http://spnln.blogspot.com/

F.B. Jones said...

Hey you look like someone's ah... mom?
teehee Court's glasses are cool too.

your bro said...

I guess it's true what they say about mates starting to look like one another over time - you look like Rob

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