You get so frustrated sometimes, wondering if things will ever change. You go and cut your hair shorter than you ever have before, in the ache of wanting that change. You plant a garden in the ache of wanting that change. You sit and think and stew and cry and wonder what it will take.
And then, because nothing is hard for God, you change. Some cog inside your heart and mind turns by one tiny gear shift, and you are different. And it wasn't hard at all.
What did I give up for Lent? How was I free? I wanted to give up being asleep in my own life. I wanted to be awake to things I had ignored.
Like my husband. When you are married for 15 years, you settle into a routine that you almost don't even think about. It gets dull. So for a week of Lent, I paid attention to my husband. In the way husbands like the best. 8 days in a row. I might write about that more later. Because it deserves it's own post.
For a week of Lent, I was blue. I gave up. I didn't want to pay attention to my life. I wanted to eat bad food and sit in bed and stop trying. At which point, my husband put me on a plane and sent me to Florida for three days because he said, I needed a break. And he was right. I needed to walk away from work and routine and have-tos and have some adventure. I got sunburned and talked my sister's ear off and fell in love with her extremely doggy dog, Murphy and HIS cheeky Corgi, Eleanor Rigby.
For a week of Lent, I realized that I hate some things about my life: how busy I am. How I never have enough time to do things that I want to do. How I am always rushing. How my kids are growing up and I am not paying enough attention. How much time I spend looking for stuff I know I have, but can't find. I purged. A carload of stuff. I organized my kitchen cupboards and my bathroom cupboards. I came to truly believe that managing stuff takes time and the way to have more time is to have less stuff to manage. This will be a process that keeps going, but I believe something different now about the stuff I have, so I am on a mission to simplify, give things I use a proper home and make things work.
For a week of Lent I did battle with God. I pitched a fit. I cried. I mourned. And in the end, I admitted that my long love affair with selling vintage was over. I have felt it coming on for a long time now, but my days of selling old stuff on the internets are coming to an end. I have just some tiny inkling of what I might be doing instead, but I know that the trajectory of my business is about to take a whole different direction. I closed one of my flea market booths already. I don't know exactly what my actions steps will be, but I know that I want to do something different now. For a long time, selling vintage was a good fit for me and for the family, but that is changing.
I am coming out of this 40 days firmer. I've spent a good amount of time at the gym and I can't imagine that changing. It's weird to say that I enjoy it. That I went by myself when Robb was away. That it has helped me.
So that has been Lent. Tomorrow, we'll spend time with our friends, eating, laughing, singing, rejoicing, and knowing that change is possible....that our lives can be re-imagined, reborn and remade. How freeing it has been!