Saturday, April 07, 2012

The Long Lenten Journey

It is 9 o'clock on the night before Easter and I am exhausted.  This morning, we got up early, and I sat in bed cutting out Muppet shaped heads and collars to decorate cupcakes for Charleigh's surprise birthday party in the park at 11.  We cleaned the house, did laundry and I finally fixed the broken curtain rod holder in the front window.  After the party, there was a baby shower at church.  And after that, we came home and colored eggs. And then back to church for Holy Saturday service. Home again to fold laundry, get the kids baths and sneak out the Easter baskets to hide when the kids finally fall asleep.

Lenten Rose
Lent is nearly over.  I didn't write here on the blog nearly as much I thought I would. But as I sat in silence in the customary dark of Holy Saturday, I knew that these past 40 days have been some of the most significant days I've known for a long time.

You get so frustrated sometimes, wondering if things will ever change. You go and cut your hair shorter than you ever have before, in the ache of wanting that change.  You plant a garden in the ache of wanting that change.  You sit and think and stew and cry and wonder what it will take.

And then, because nothing is hard for God, you change. Some cog inside your heart and mind turns by one tiny gear shift, and you are different. And it wasn't hard at all.

What did I give up for Lent?  How was I free? I wanted to give up being asleep in my own life. I wanted to be awake to things I had ignored.

Like my husband. When you are married for 15 years, you settle into a routine that you almost don't even think about. It gets dull.  So for a week of Lent, I paid attention to my husband. In the way husbands like the best.  8 days in a row.  I might write about that more later. Because it deserves it's own post.

For a week of Lent, I was blue. I gave up. I didn't want to pay attention to my life. I wanted to eat bad food and sit in bed and stop trying.  At which point, my husband put me on a plane and sent me to Florida for three days because he said, I needed a break. And he was right. I needed to walk away from work and routine and have-tos and have some adventure. I got sunburned and talked my sister's ear off and fell in love with her extremely doggy dog, Murphy and HIS cheeky Corgi, Eleanor Rigby. 

For a week of Lent, I realized that I hate some things about my life: how busy I am. How I never have enough time to do things that I want to do.  How I am always rushing. How my kids are growing up and I am not paying enough attention. How much time I spend looking for stuff I know I have, but can't find.  I purged. A carload of stuff. I organized my kitchen cupboards and my bathroom cupboards.  I came to truly believe that managing stuff takes time and the way to have more time is to have less stuff to manage.  This will be a process that keeps going, but I believe something different now about the stuff I have, so I am on a mission to simplify, give things I use a proper home and make things work.

For a week of Lent I did battle with God.  I pitched a fit.  I cried. I mourned. And in the end, I admitted that my long love affair with selling vintage was over.  I have felt it coming on for a long time now, but my days of selling old stuff on the internets are coming to an end. I have just some tiny inkling of what I might be doing instead, but I know that the trajectory of my business is about to take a whole different direction.  I closed one of my flea market booths already.  I don't know exactly what my actions steps will be, but I know that I want to do something different now.  For a long time, selling vintage was a good fit for me and for the family, but that is changing.

I am coming out of this 40 days firmer. I've spent a good amount of time at the gym and I can't imagine that changing.  It's weird to say that I enjoy it. That I went by myself when Robb was away.  That it has helped me.

So that has been Lent.  Tomorrow, we'll spend time with our friends, eating, laughing, singing, rejoicing, and knowing that change is possible....that our lives can be re-imagined, reborn and remade.  How freeing it has been!


Sara said...

Okay 2 things.

1. I love it when you blog :) I love being able to come to someone's blog and read well written thoughts about someone's life. I wish I knew how to articulately say my thoughts. Most of the time they just come out wrong and discombobulated. I have always had trouble with true expression. I'm not sure why? Sometimes I think it comes with growing up in a northern culture where everyone just keeps to themselves. Sometimes I think it's because I did not grow up in a home where expression was welcomed ect...either way it's something I am working on :) I express my thoughts well (in person) but horribly in writing (lol) Anyways, I love it when you blog :) God reminds me through your blog that "change" really is possible. I don't have to be the same person I was 10yrs ago, I can grow and develop into someone else with time :)

2ndly...and totally not important but made smile...The aid on your blog is for Great Shape Today made me smile, because I am a distributor for the company that does that program. So it made smile to see that I'm a part of a real company with "real"


This revelation is making me feel panicky -- like I'm losing my compadre and role model. I haven't gotten over your absence at All My Treasures yet. Now... where did I put my big girl panties?

Susie said...

really enjoyed reading this...I always do. :)

Anonymous said...

So wonderful to know that God is faithful -- and HE will keep working in us. Mary

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