So, it's been a little over a week since I made the awkward realization that I am a workaholic. Many of my good friends have gently asked the question..."Now what?" Usually with the post-script, "No rush." Ironic, see?
In this time frame, I've had a three events for exercising different responses: The fridge totally died and had to be replaced in a short time frame. The restoration company that completed the cleanup on the house in Michigan called DEMANDING their money (which I thought was taken care of already by the insurance company.) And I threw a bridal shower for a friend from church. All three of these are events that normally would have me instantly squeezing my own adrenaline gland to reach maximum turbo boost. From what I am gathering, other people do not go into red alert over these kinds of things like I do. So I attempted to breathe. Pray. Make manageable, realistic lists. Delegate. Essentially, deny myself access to my panic button.
I've also done a bit more reading...arming myself with enough information to keep myself from justifying my actions and slipping back into the old way. I have a long way to go. I will probably need some professional help sorting it out. But the number one thing that I am focusing on is recognizing that my actions, my blur of actions, is harmful to my kids and my marriage. Not the good, sane, Proverbs 31 kind of profitable activity, but the kind of work-buzz I go to when I feel threatened, uncertain, insecure, and overwhelmed. From what I have read, the children of workaholics have many similarities to the children of alcoholics.
Right now I only have a kind of police sketch of what it would look like in everyday life to recover. I periodically think of things that belong on a list of characteristics of healthy vs the old way I do/did them. I'm still guessing about it. But here are some of the things I am actively facing:
1. stop multi-tasking - learn to grow comfortable with stillness
2. be realistic about the length of time it takes to accomplish something
3. submit to stopping, even when I haven't finished a task
4. eat three meals a day
5. give the kids my actual attention
I'm also taking a little trip away next week with Robb. It is actually to work for his company, but it will be a change of pace and I know that will be good for me to get a different perspective.
and now.... to sleep.