Hey Tammi, this one's for you

Don't hate me because I cleaned my carpet yesterday and have the most beautiful vacuum lines.

But Why?

Chuckie has entered the questioning phase of her life. Literally everything from the buttons in the car to cooking to getting dressed can conjure up a 5 minute cyclone of questions. And if you think this is not mentally taxing, try explaining to a 3 1/2 year old why "oh my gosh" is not an expression I prefer her to use.

Finding my voice

Ever since I started down the medication route, I have had the most bizarre feeling. Do you recall the movie "while you were sleeping" with Sandra Bullock? When Peter wakes up and his mother soothes him with a gentle, "There, there, have some jello." And Peter replies confusedly, "Do I LIKE jello?" Yup, that's it.

Today, though, a blog post or two began to percolate in my mind for the first time in a long time. I made my new favorite sandwich and some coffee.

First the sandwich:
ham, cheese, spinach, mild pepper rings and just a shimmer of ranch dressing on wheat toast....yummy.

Now the post:
I had an excellent discussion with my mom today. We decided together to reinvent ourselves as mother and daughter and grandmother. For a long time now, I have been sad about living so far away from my parents. I loved my upbringing and living close to my grandparents and extended family and have long suffered guilt for not providing that idyllic childhood for my own kids. I never could square my call to ministry with what has seemed to me to be a dis-honoring of my parents. But denying the life God set before me for the sake of living near my parents never seemed right either. It's been a gray spot in my life for a long time now.

I'm not sure I could have worked through it on my own, but talking it over with my mom really freed us both up to think about our lives in a different way. There is really something amazing about the power of words spoken in conversation, which explains some of the mystery of prayer, I suppose. Through our talk, I think I found the freedom to reinvent my idea of how things "should be."

I'm sure a lot of you out there are far away from family too. I'm curious how you bridge the gaps to remain close to each other? What's the best technology? What's your strategy or tradition? I'm curious.

Monotony

Hubby is away until tomorrow night and while I am generally very good at wasting time, I must say that the days are starting to feel really monotonous without the crowning pinnacle of the day..."DADDY IS HOME!" Time to move some furniture....

Let's chat

So, for a couple of weeks now, I have been taking anti-anxiety medication. Since I felt like a failure and a wuss for taking medication to control something that good Christians should be able to handle with daily devotions and the prayer life of Hudson Taylor, I have not written about it on the blog; that's also mostly because I'm a little spacey because of the medication and I waste a lot of time now sleeping, enjoying my family and getting sick.

I toyed with trying the medication for about a year, but I could always come up with a good excuse to not try the medication. A couple of days before my birthday, though, I found myself in a screaming argument with my husband because he interrupted me while I was working. While I passionately defended my feelings, somebody sane hovered above me and whispered how absolutely crazy I was to be yelling at a guy who was trying to be nice. In fact, I yelled a lot for no real reason....just everything felt like the "LAST STRAW!" And a couple of weeks before that, I came home from church and cried. I stood there in Robb's arms crying, wondering why I was crying, since I'm not really much of a cryer. The only thing that I could figure out...I felt like I was going to die. Soon. Imminently.

So I talked to some friends. And I made an appointment. And the doctor wrote me a prescription. After some Matrix jokes about red and blue pills, I took the medicine. It made me sleepy and very dry in my mouth. But I also felt like the knot inside me had been untied. It no longer pulled into an impossibly tight knot every time the phone rang or I had to go to the grocery store or the mail came.

I try to remember when I felt like this last. I think it was when we first moved into our house in Michigan. I think it was when Mattie was small. I think it was sometimes in college when I was falling in love. I think it was parts of high school. It's been a long time. It's been days after day of not knowing if we would make it financially. Day after day of being disappointed, put on hold, and held up. Day after day of waking up believing that I needed to beg God to meet our needs because if I didn't worry and beg and plead, He wouldn't provide. And like grooves worn in the road by endless cars, the chemicals in my brain stopped absorbing the calm and good seratonin and only tasted the sour and sad.

Now I see with different eyes. I no longer hate morning. I don't feel dread all the time. I don't dwell on negative things. I'm much more likely to take a nap or sit with the kids or really stop what I'm doing to be with Robb. I don't drink as much coffee and I've lost a little weight since I'm not searching for a little high to get me through the drab afternoon hours. I need to exercise more but with my defenses down, I've gotten sick repeatedly...have a sore throat now. So I rest. I'm a little behind at work, but I don't worry much about it. I don't feel low lows or high highs. I haven't yelled at my kids in weeks. I laugh easily. I'm a dull conversationist. It's hard to enter into worship because I only seem to play in one octave of emotion. I often picture myself as simply sitting at God's feet just being with Him. I don't plan to take the medication forever, but it's nice for now not to be so conscious of my emotion.

So that's where I'm at. This is part of my story and I always want to tell my story.

Martha Stewart, eat your heart out

 
I think we have found a new Thanksgiving tradition! We spent a great day with friends yesterday and got up early this morning to hit the sales at 4:00 a.m. We successfully knocked out all the shopping! (with a big thanks to Daisy for staying with the kids!) By noon, we were home and I popped a little turkey in the oven and took a nap. We finished watching the Arkansas game and then settled in for another big, wonderful feast. Yeah, this could be our new tradition. It was a perfect way to celebrate!

So Much to be Thankful For

This has been one of the best holidays I've had in a long time. On Wednesday, the kids were home from school and I started the long and wondrous process of getting the house ready for a holiday...baking and cleaning. While I made pies, I got the news that my mom's medical test came back with good results. Then Robb called to tell me he got a raise at work. Then the mail came with a gift card to Red Lobster(THANK YOU SO MUCH!). After the house was clean and all the flour and butter and sugar had morphed into pumpkin bars and cranberry scones and pumpkin pie and apple pie and cranberry relish, I took off my apron and went out to dinner with the kids and our friend and girl-Friday, Daisy. When we came home, a box was at the door from my brother's wonderful girlfriend...full of adorable clothes for Charleigh.

This morning, we watched the parade and I messed up the kitchen again and we were off to Hannah's to celebrate the Main Meal with Hannah and Liz's huge family and lots of our friends from Vintage. I love my friends, and I love my church. While we were there, the kids played non-stop with their friends and Charleigh painted her entire hand with bright red nail polish while playing dress up with her buddy. We came home and chilled out and I finished reading a book. Now the kids are playing cards with Daisy and I am ready to nod off as soon as I can to hit the 4:00 a.m. sales tomorrow.

This is not a clever post. There's no complicated way to say, I'm just grateful. I'm grateful for my dear, sweet husband who has been my rock. I'm grateful for my beautiful and adorable and hilarious children. I'm grateful for my expanding extended family who are loving me and rejoicing from afar. I'm grateful for my dear friends who shelter and comfort my soul. I'm grateful for my wonderful church that continues to bless us above and beyond the call of duty. I'm grateful for a warm home and a dumb dog and fridge full of food. I'm grateful for hope. I'm deeply, profoundly, thankful.

Elfy Fun

I have atually lost track...

of the number of

boxes I need to ship

loads of laundry to fold

emails from buyers asking me to post feedback

I'm trying to decide if I should just get sick again or make an attempt?

I have been sick

That may be an understatement, but in the last 7 days, I have filled four prescriptions, been to the doctor twice, been to the pharmacy 6 times...and that doesn't count sending hubby out at 3 a.m. last night...er..morning. Not all the same malady...more like consecutive Mack Trucks hitting me every time I try to stand up. My husband has been an absolute trooper and has totally lived up to the wedding vows "in sickness and in health" ...if we had actually used traditional vows...but I'm pretty sure we implied them anyway. I'm wandering. Sorry. I need to lie back down. I'm scared of another truck coming.

My daughter is hilarious:

Mattie said that she was getting tired of reading and asked if she could write something instead. She asked me for a topic, and me being a few brain cells short at the time, suggested "What I would buy on Ebay." Here is her composition, spelling and all...

" There is a lot of wase of buying things, one is Ebay. It ushaly has old stuf. There is a few things I would buy from Ebay.

One is some old dolls. I think old dolls are pretter.
Two is a ralaksotiser. Not because i am fat, because there funny.
Three is a collection of old dishes. Old dishes are so pretty.
Four is old and famous picuars. They look reel and they have a little creatuvenis.
Five is old clothes. The dresses are glamoris!
Now you now some of the things I'd buy from ebay.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh, Mom?

Just phoning it in

Yeah, I don't have anything to say, but this Qotd made me laugh---

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time.

Willem de Kooning (1904 - )

Now, I'm off to pack boxes!

James Thurber

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

I apologize, loyal blog readers, for the lull in posting. I am, quite honestly, going through something and I don't know what I think or feel about it yet, and I'm not really ready to talk about it either. Sorry to be so cryptic, but what started out as a little online journal has become an open book to a lot of people, and I'm just not sure enough of my recent decisions to open it up to the public forum of opinion.

I will say a couple of things: My PEOPLE, and you know who you are, have been so good to me. I would have smacked me up the side of the head by now, but you all have been loving and patient. For that I thank you.

It's also busy-busy time on ebay. Finally, people are buying again. This is a good thing. However, one of my main seller tools is still broken (as it has been for weeks) and doesn't look likely to be fixed soon. This is really adding a lot to my workload...and cutting into my blogging time!

I'll leave you with this thought that I have been toying with lately...

What if we lived as though we assumed our needs were definitely going to be met, instead of always worrying if God would meet them? Is that presumption or faith?

I broke down...

and turned on the heat this morning. I woke up chilly several times in the night, in-spite of my own personal furnace. And sure enough, this morning when I got up out of my chilly bed into the even chillier air, we had our first hard frost.

Today is my 33rd birthday. It's one of those fairly invisible birthdays and I was tempted to just keep it a secret, but like I said, I broke down...

My big plans for the day include trying to just do things that I want to do like mosaic, vacuum and watch some indulgent morning television.

I also broke down and got the kids some clothes yesterday. I had been waiting for my JC Penney gift card to arrive, but it has not (yeah, I know...it's been like two months..it's NOT Ree's fault..she's been super sweet). Vin has grown out of his all of his pants and has been wearing "high waders." Mattie had no winter/warm coat and has been wearing sweaters on these cool mornings. And Charleigh had no long sleeve shirts and about two pairs of pants. They looked so cute and warm this morning.

I'm breaking down in some other ways too, but that's another post for another day.

Keep your feet warm!

Feeling alittle low?

Click no further...I just know my brother's Halloween costume will get your day started right.

Check.

 
 
 
 
Halloween...check
bithday party, including cake....check
much too perfect day to spend packing ebay boxes so go for walk around the lake instead...check.

 

YAWWWWWNNNN

I'm in low gear this morning. But before this day is done, I hope to make a birthday cake for my friend's little girl, mop my floors (which are GROTESQUE) list on ebay, and pack ebay boxes.

Due to a glitch on the paypal site, the tool that prints more than one label at a time, is broken. It has been shut down for about a week now, and I have no fewer than 25 labels to print. I'm still holding out hope that they will fix it before I am forced to sit and print one label at a time...ugh. Paypal is all fine and good but their customer service is horrendous.

Finally, Mattie has her first non-family slumber-party tonight. She is as thrilled as Vinny is despondent.