I miss my soul.

Yeah, that's about it. I realized the other day that it's been a long time since I had a conversation with my soul. I've been on auto pilot, I guess, just trying to get my work done, keep my family happy, satisfy my shallow appetites for snacks and clothes, and basically not think too much about things that feel like too much.

It's a coping mechanism and coping is good. It just occurred to me recently that I hadn't felt wonder at anything for a long time. I haven't done anything that satisfies my longing for beauty. I haven't had any journeys, only destinations. It's obvious by my blog posts. Things feel boring and mechanical. I have been having a hard time working, but an even harder time making myself do something other than work. I'm not unhappy. Things aren't bad. It's just like I'm living in a dream sequence, where everything is muted and slow moving and I'm strangely unaffected by anything that is happening around me. I'm even sure how long this has been going on.

I am hoping to wake up soon.

I am having .....

....a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD day.

Mission Accomplished

Yeah, so short of one of the dogs nails-because she got weird on me and I was covered in dog hair-and steamcleaning the carpet, I did indeed brush the dog, declutter, mop, disinfect and more yesterday. The house feels a lot better than it did! And my People (oh, yeah, I got people) came to my rescue with bubble wrap and packing peanuts. (Thanks A and Sara!)

So today I pack boxes and fight off the cold. I was up last night with Charleigh who had a bad fever. She seems a lot better this morning, but I feel lousy. Just twenty boxes...that shouldn't take long, right?

Is it the weekend yet????

It's only Thursday and I am weary...

Yesterday, Robb took the kids to the park so I could get an hour of uninterrupted work in, which was great. I was able to load 26 auctions, which is pretty good for a day.

I have like 20 boxes to pack (still no bubble wrap) including a 42 pound sewing machine, which I was told to wrap to withstand a six foot drop. Any suggestions?

I ache to clean my house. When the sun shines in the windows, all I want to do is clean them, and steam clean the carpet, which is VILE. I want to dust, disinfect, mop, reorganize and declutter in the worst way...and while I'm at it, vacuum the dog and cut her nails....

Can you imagine what I saw yesterday? A fly. Alive in my house. Ugh...the plague is back already?

Vin went back to school today, though he still has the barky cough, but Charleigh has the cough now and her cheeks are pink...looking like a fever setting in.

I have a sore throat too.

And I have to balance the checkbook.

Glam day, huh?

You know that first, really warm, sunny day...

...of spring?

We had it yesterday.

Wanna visit us now?

Lent

So today is Ash Wednesday and I have decided to give up beer for Lent.

Last year was my first year of celebrating Lent...I gave up Ebay. It was a great experience and one that benefitted me much, so I decided to do it again this year. In fact, I imagine I will always recognize it from now on...I like traditions.

I don't actually drink much beer, comparatively speaking. But if there is some in the fridge and we have tacos or pizza, I like it. The reason that I decided to give it up, though, is that since we started having the freedom to drink, I haven't really said "no" to one. I have the freedom, so I've been using it. But I was struck by something in Robb's sermon a few weeks ago about how we can practice sexual purity by fasting...how in giving up one physical pleasure, we prove to our bodies that we don't need to give in to every appetite. While I was lying awake last Friday night (from 2 until 6:30...ugh)...I started to think about how undisciplined I have become, especially in comparison to my growing up and college years when everything was very regimented and pleasure was not something I was allowed to pursue. It always surprises my kids when I tell them that it is harder to be good when you are a grown up because you have to make yourself do the right thing.

So that is why I decided on beer, of all things...it's a little thing, I know. But a good step of discipline.

I'm out of bubble wrap

...can't imagine why. I had a booger of a time with these....from a stand mixer to 4 pieces of Capodimonte, which are awful to wrap....I'm out of bubble wrap, saran wrap, packing peanuts and almost out of tape.

Ugh....just got paid for another item....gotta get it done before the mailman comes to pick 'em up.

I'd rather be playing outside.

We Do President's Day

I can honestly say I have never actually celebrated President's day before, but the kids had the day off, and Robb needed a break, so he took the day off too. We decided to head down to Little Rock and visit the Clinton Presidential Library.

We're big fans of Presidential libraries: we've been the Kennedy, Ford, and Reagan. The Clinton was different in many ways...while there was GOBS of information on all his accomplishments (or stuff that was going to happen anyway that he got credit for, as we Republicans like to think), there was very little of his personal life showing. This was interesting considering that it was Clinton's humanity that was both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. This was a great contrast to Reagan's library which really highlighted him as a person, not necessarily all of his accomplishments. I'm struck by the similarities, actually, between the Kennedy and the Clinton, which makes sense, considering his admiration for JFK.

It was not a particularly kid-friendly museum, and this was not really helped much by the fact that Mattie had a stomach ache and Vin was on his way to a miserable night with a high fever. The two of them didn't eat much the rest of the day and slept for most of the trip home....poor babies.

While it wasn't our FUNNEST TRIP EVER (nashville), it was a nice break from the routine and Robb especially felt better after having a day off (driving for 6 hours). And oh, yeah, because it was President's day, admission was free.

Here's a pic for Heidi:

Our Little Artist

Mattie made a self portrait in Art class that was chosen by her art teacher to be entered in an exhibit of pictures submitted from all the Springdale schools, Kindergarten through 7th grade. Her's was one of two from her grade (there are four 2nd grades at her school). She was so excited and we are so proud of her. Her picture was done in pastels. It makes me so happy that she gets to experiment with art at her school and try different mediums....who knows what she might do with it!

Who ARE you?

I had a coupon for the magazine "Real Simple" and picked up a copy when I got groceries the other day. Sometimes I'm really bored by this magazine because their whole goal seems to be to create an imaginary world where people avoid inconveniences. Because I believe God uses inconveniences to make us better people, I can't really buy the concept, but sometimes it helps me get motivated to organize something, so I did buy the magazine.

During a first reading, I skipped an article by a life coach. Life coaches rank pretty high on my list of superfluous jobs. I have this bias that the Holy Spirit is pretty much the only life-coach people really need, aided occasionally by their pastor....but I know I'm biased. While making a second perusal through the magazine, this time contemplating listing it on ebay (that's right, you can sell your old magazines...but I digress), I started to skim the life coach lady's article. I ended up reading the whole thing (Dare to Be Different by Gail Blanke).

Here's the teaser:
Somebody doesn't like you? Good. No one ever made an impact on the world without standing out from the crowd. So embrace your unique qualities, says Real Simple's life coach, Gail Blanke. They're what makes you unforgettable.

Hmm. I was reminded of a conversation Robb and I had about church. We were cresting the little hill on the road to the mall (or as we like to call it, Church), both trying to anticipate who would be there for the first message of his series on sex. There have been some criticisms of this whole thing, and one of them was a 70 year old lady who called the radio station Robb was on in Detroit. She said that she thought it was totatally inappropriate and asked, "What good does this series do me? I want to hear about the Bible." Robb said,

"I understand her point. It's true that 70 somethings probably don't want to talk about sex at church. But what about all the 20 and 30 somethings who DO and who really need to?"

I thought about it for a minute, mentally picturing this series being preached at our old church in Michigan. Awkward. And then I had a realization.

Most people think that the church they attend is the way church should be.

Well, "duh" you say.

What I mean is that they think all the other churches should be that way too. A bunch of cookie cutter churches all doing the same thing. Think about that for a minute. For many people, there is no room for variation...not in churches and not in individual Christians.

Back to Life-coach lady. She has this exercise where you do four steps:
1. Make a list of the qualities you like best about yourself, the things that make you unique.
2. Ask people who love you what they like best about you and what makes you one of a kind.
3. Make a list of talents or qualities you'd like to be known for.
4. Catch yourself when you start thinking that "everybody should be like me." Review your
list of unique traits everyday.

I was suddenly reminded of the passage in scripture (the Message) that says,

A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, "I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body," would that make it so? If Ear said, "I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head," would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn't be a body, but a monster.

I recall one of the things I found fascinating about the U2 biography was the part in their lives when they were going to give up the band so that they could be "more involved in their church." They were being pressured by other Christians do to this. What a monstrous idea.

We have some really interesting people at Vintage....they are SO different from me. Some are more conservative and some are well...not conservative. I love them. I love how different they are from me. I have to work hard at not staring sometimes because they are so strikingly different from me. And I wonder sometimes if I should change...eat organic, shave my head, read better books, practice the guitar, spend more time on My Space, dress more funky, drink green tea, vote for Hillary....

Some of that would be fun, but it's not really me. It seems to me that the best way to glorify God with my life is to be me...I don't mean to sound like Oprah or Joel Ostein. I just have to figure that God really wants us to be individuals and that's why he went to the trouble of making us all so different.

Some of the things that make us unique are positive and some are negatives. Maybe you are or have been...
abused
tatooed
motivated by money
environmentally sensitive
homeschooling
pig-headed
anal-retentive
cautious
socially awkward
divorced
introverted
flabby

Either way, God takes those things and makes good with them. That's the miracle of his grace.

You know I spent a long time thinking about Dr. Carter recently. I really contemplated this great life he lived...so unique and forceful. For all his stunning qualities, though, a lot of people didn't like him. It led me to think about many other great people I have known and who are part of my life now...and a lot of them are not liked by everyone.

I remember reading a novel once and the heroine was described as being either very liked or very disliked, but nobody was indifferent to her. I liked that then and I still like it.

So I'm thirty@!@$$ now and I'm just figuring out who I am. I'm letting go of the guilt and envy of not being somebody more godly, and just being me. I'm a creative, introverted, chronically late, well-intentioned person who had a happy childhood. I love my family by working hard. I am trying to live in relationship with a God who is sometimes invisible and silent, but I still really like Him. I'd give anything to do something important for the Kingdom....and for right now, that important work is selling doo dabs on ebay, which I really enjoy. I'm open to change but I'm not trying to catch God's attention with my good effort anymore.

I find it deeply satisfying that nobody is going to express their faith and beliefs exactly like I do. If we all just be ourselves, it's likely that we'll be a better Body.

So who are you?

He's My McDreamy

Yeah, can I just say that I am married to the most wonderful man?

I worked late last night and he let me sleep in ...despite the dog peeing on the floor and a flat tire! I didn't here a thing.

Woke up around 8:30 a.m. to find a Valentine card and a box of chocolates on my desk.

Then he was on the radio again and was so great....I am so proud of him. He is such a clear-thinking, principled, and brave man. I admire him so much.

Yeah, he's my McDreamy, McSteamy, McCutie...I could go on, but I need to make him some McSupper.

I just deleted 8500 email.

It might be my imagination, but it seems like my computer is running a little better.

Ugh...double ugh.

If you've been wondering where the stink I've been, checking in faithfully for an update on funny things Vin is saying or my complex rambling about the state of the universe, sorry. This is my busy season on ebay. For the next two months, just about anything I list will sell...people are cooped up at home with tax money burning a hole in their pockets, I guess.

Trouble is, it gets way of hand...Robb gets stuck with housework, and I get so many orders, I am fated to screw up something. Today, I found out I had two boxes get smashed in the mail. Much as I would love to blame the post office, the truth is that I am running low on bubble wrap and played fast and loose with a cookie jar...and lost. With ample bubble wrap, I can usually always outwit, outplay and outlast any postal employee looking to take out their frustrations on generic boxes passing in front of them.

Time to regroup.

On a different note, Robb will be on the radio again tomorrow afternoon at 4:00 (eastern time) with the same host he talked with before in Detroit. He'll be on for the whole hour talking about the emergent church. Here's the link to the Paul Edward's show.

Check Out My Adorable Sister

Click the link and listen to her sing...


I'd like to publicly apologize for telling you to get the heck off the piano and stop that annoying singing so I could talk to my boyfriend on the phone.

Can I have a CD?

When Memories Come in the Mail

I had an unusual experience today. Dr. Carter's daughter sent me a packet of letters I had sent him over the years including our wedding invitation and program, a postcard from our honeymoon, the application I filled out to become his office assistant, a letter for his 66th birthday and the letter I wrote for his retirement.

I hate that I even need to explain, but Dr. Carter is Vinny's namesake (Calvin Carter), he was the professor I worked for in college -and also the one I quit, causing no small mess in the academic and student development departments. I returned to work for him eventually, after I became a Christian. He paid much of my school bill, bought my dress when I was on the homecoming court, funded my engagement ring by letting Robb come shovel his snow at 5:00 a.m. all winter long, gave me a place to stay during summer school, spoke at our wedding, and gave us our first computer. The year I was a married student, he brought a sack lunch to school every day so that I could eat his lunch at the cafeteria...a deal he struck with the head of food service. He was a brilliant, principled, and sometimes-because of his brilliance and priniciples- difficult man, who cause even his very few enemies to respect him deeply. During his 33 years of teaching, he also guided countless churches through their ugliest days and set them right for permanent pastors to come and lead them to better times. During retirement, which he had unashamedly hoped to avoid by dropping dead on one of the four flights of stairs to his office in Jackson Hall, he spent hours of his day, beginning at 4:00 a.m., praying for and emailing words of encouragement to missionaries and students all over the world. He used to get out his old class rosters and pray down through them, even the names he could no longer remember. Over the years, he had probably 10 or 12 assistants and I was his last. I drove him crazy. But I think he liked me anyway. And I adored him. He called himself an "Old Troll" and called me "The Butterfly Queen." When I listened to Peggy Noonan's memoir of Ronald Reagan, I totally understood how she felt about the President because that is exactly how I felt about Dr. Carter.
He died of multiple brain tumors in July of 2004...on the anniversary of the day he came to Christ as a fourteen year old at a camp in southern California.

I have all of the letters he sent us...and now I have the pitiful stack of letters I sent him....much fewer in number by comparison. It brought back all the memories of the beginning of the story of how I got here and became me.

It's not everyday you open you mailbox and find that.

You know that feeling???

You know...
that sense that there is so much to do
and not enough time to do it in...

that something enormous might happen at any moment

that the other shoe might drop

that something has to happen to break the frozen quiet

cabin fever and too much coffee

like an alien might burst out of your chest at any moment

like maybe you should scream or cry or sleep or something....

do you know that feeling?

I feel like that sometimes.

So I put on my headphones and blast music
I dance around like a maniac
I clean things or jump on the bed or do situps

I want to drive until I can't drive anymore

I pray

I try to breathe

I swear I'll drink decaf

What do you do?

....or maybe it's just me.

And Now For Your Moment of Zen...

It was time to go to the mall for something besides church.

Gap white pin-tucked shirt: regular price $44.00- I got it for $6.97
Gap grey cashmere blend cardigan sweater: regular price $54.00- I got it for $4.97

Bananan Republic green floral shirt: regular price $58.00--I got it for $8.97

Charlotte Russe black poly polka dot shirt: regular price $19.99--I got it for $11.94
Charlotte Russe brown velour pants: regular price $19.99--I got them for $13.00

JC Penney seemless t-shirt: regular price $19.99-- I got it for $6.50
JC Penney corduroy jacket: regular price $60.00--I got it for $15.00

Total regular price: $276.00
I paid: $65.00
total savings: $210.50

Shopping is fun.