You can't be profound every day...

I like to blog a little each day...I like the mental step-stones that are created by sharing my thoughts and revealing my heart. But today, I got nothing. I'm just taking a break from cleaning and taking down the tree (which I secretly look forward to as soon as the presents are opened). Despite a heavy frost, it is now warm enough to open a window or two and let in the fresh air. Sara called this morning to share her daily dose of adventure. Kristi is doing well after her surgery. Robb had the morning off. I thought we were winning the battle agains the mice, but I found evidence of them in my spice cupboard last night (which reduced me to tears) but I put down red pepper flakes and cayenne pepper and they did not make any new appearances so far. There is a big gray Tomcat on my roof today, thanks to Sid. Maybe he can do some work on the mice if Sid ever lets him down.

And that's about it, folks. I told you, I got nothing.

I love the Library!

We hit the Fayetteville Library yesterday with the kids... got a bowl of soup and a piece of Hummingbird bread with a cup of coffee from the coffee shop, Robb hooked up to the wireless to upgrade some software and the kids played some computer games after picking out four books each. Charleigh had a meltdown and screamed herself into a stupor (I wouldn't let her type willy nilly on the kids' computers), so I didn't make it upstairs to get out some more design and decorating books, but I did get to stop at the media center to get a copy of the best of Johnny Cash on CD, the Best of Patsy Cline, 3 issues of Arkansas Living Magazine, a season of PBS's Colonial House on DVD and a documentary about the three kinds of Latin culture and their influence and experience in American culture. Scanned my keychain at the self-checkout, popped my goodies in my bag, headed out to the parking garage...we'll be back in two weeks!

FYI

Hey all, just a heads up that Robb and I got new cell numbers here. You should be getting an email with the new number but if you don't, let me know and I'll get it to you.

nonononononono

It is typical for toddlers to develop unusual fears, but I must admit I never saw this one coming....Vinny got this little toy for Charleigh's Christmas present. It is Dora The Explorer, for those of you who don't have little ones, and this particular one is made of some kind of soft stuff and covered with sticky stuff...you know the kind you used to get in a cereal box and you throw it against the wall and it rolls down all gross and slimy? Very endearing little thing, huh?

Charleigh took one look at this thing and FREAKED OUT! She screamed in terror...I don't know what she thought it would do....and for the rest of the day had to check in occassionaly to see where THAT THING was. She would point at it and say, "D..D...D...??? No no no no no!"

Maybe I'm a terrible mom, but I just couldn't resist capturing her response on video!

A New Kind of Christmas

Traditions are good, but someone once wisely said, "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape." This year, we embraced flexibility as we experienced our first southern Christmas.

The first big change was the tree. Having spent many a day-after-Thanksgiving at Dad's store getting just the right tree for sometimes pleasant, sometimes grouchy families, I became quite a little snob about what made "just the right tree." For years now, I have dragged Robb to eleven-teen places to get it, but not so this year. Our hosts provided a tree and decorations that go with the house. Turns out we were right in style with our vintage aluminum tree.



Ones like it are selling for big bucks on ebay, and were featured in magazines like Country Living. It was certainly a change and I was none too sure what kind of decorations would look right on it, but we decided when all was said and done that just about anything gaudy would work and the kids got a big kick out of it. I bought a scented candle to replace the fresh smell of a Frasier Fir. I know I won't miss the real tree when the time comes to put it away...no needles all through the house!

Another change was Christmas Eve...Every year, Robb has considered the Christmas Eve service as his gift to our church, and we both really missed it. This year, we attended the Christmas Eve service where we have been attending. It was very family friendly, which was good considering THAT BABY filled her diaper within ten minutes of the service starting and then proceeded to keep us busy for the next fourty minutes. I think we were mostly just relieved when we poured out of the building with the other 1,000 people without getting bitten, pooped on, or smeared with boogies.

Lastly, of course, there was no snow. In fact, we headed outside in the afternoon to play with Mattie's new soccer ball and Vin's new football. Today was nearly a record-breaker for heat. The kids pealed off their coats in the afternoon because they were just too hot. That is something to get used to, but it was very nice not to have to bundle up to go from store to store while we did some errands. And I'm certain that I bought Robb nicer presents this year because I wasn't stressed out by the kids leaving a wake of scarves, mittens, hats and coats in the aisles while I shopped.

All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas. I can't remember ever being so excited for the kids reactions. I cannot remember a Christmas Eve that I actually slept through the night (Robb says he was up three times with Vin, but I have no recollection of that). I did next to no baking, my shopping was done very early and we had no extended family with us. But I have had a much greater sense of what it is all about, even though I did forget to set out the Baby Jesus in the nativity set! I just enjoyed it, without the expectations of it being a tradition-filled holiday. It was easy to just thank God for all the ways he has met our needs and led us and blessed us.


Here are some other images for the Grandmas....



Country kids have to have boots!



Mattie's new jeans...



Bodies in motion tend to stay in motion....



Vin couldn't wait to do the mazes, his favorite!

I was blogging in my sleep last night

I woke up in the night (actually more like very early morning) writing a great blog entry. It was super profound. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

If your hair needs a little curl, click here.

The kids said this guy should be fired....or something. Can anybody tell me where I've heard this before?

We love the Tooth Fairy

As Christians, we don't do Santa, we don't do the Easter Bunny, and we don't do much with Halloween. All in the name of good theology, we have not given any place to the cast of characters that other kids take delight in. The Tooth Fairy is the exception at our house.

We do the Tooth Fairy big time...with all the effort that other parents put into stringing up Halloween lights outside, standing in line at the mall for Santa, or hiding plastic easter eggs, we DO the Tooth Fairy. For Mattie's first tooth, it was magical enough to just have the cash appear. But then the other kids started saying that it was "just your parents." So with the next tooth, we took it up a notch, leaving "Fairy Dust" (glitter) under her pillow with the money.

It's been a while since she lost one, and the doubt was growing in her mind. She would ask periodically, and I would just be as vauge as I could without giving a straight answer.

Yesterday, when chomping an apple, out fell another adorable little baby tooth. I was nervous....what could I do to re-instate her faith in the magic of childhood? I have hardly any art supplies on hand, and anyway, she said the glitter I used before was too coarse to have been actual fairy dust...

My solution was two-fold. I scraped the glitter off a Christmas bulb....it was old and flaked off in a very fine powder....Then, I inked with a gold-tone marker a tiny handprint in the corner of the dollar bill.

She awoke this morning saying cautiously that it DID look more like Fairy Dust....but when she saw that gold hand-print....that was it! Her eyes lit up like rockets and she squeeled in delight, "She MUST be real!!!!"

Someday, when I have to fess up, I hope she realizes that even if the Tooth Fairy isn't real, I kept the idea alive out of pure addiction to that look on her face.

Vinnyisms part deaux

Vinny on breakfast cereal: "I didn't want raisin gran!"

Life is like a box of chocolates....

...and also like a bag of old dolls from a thrift shop....you never know what you might get.

These appear to be a 1960's Barbie "Julie" as Dihann Carroll doll head (by Mattell) on a 1970's World of Love body by Hasbro

Lee Majors as the Bionic Man, c. 1975 (That would be as old as Robb, btw) in his original pants....too bad his legs fell off when I took off his pants....like a weird dream sequence.....

And Ideal's 1966 Giggles Toddler doll, who's head promptly fell off when I got her home (Robb said, from all the spinning around with Satan inside) and who does not originally have a bent arm, so this must be a transplant.

Yeah, weird.

All that you can't leave behind....

I was awake in the night again last night....tossing, turning...thinking about my house in Michigan....thinking about it lit up with white lights all through the front porch, a fresh, green tree decorated in the front room, the kitchen that was so often full of friends. I was sad and lonely for it. I love that house like I love a person....like I love myself really, as I always felt that it was an extention of myself....my creativity, my personality, my sweat and blood and tears. I filled every room with a staggering amount of stuff because I could be as creative and extravagant as the myriad garage and estate sales allowed me. Those of you who love houses know what I am talking about and those of you who don't think that I am crazy.

I used to think that one house could do it all....it could be perfect for your lifestyle...for your family....for your future. I used to think that you could make it bend to what you wanted it to be, and that is sometime true, but if you have to live one way in a house....say with a porch or a basement or a garage....you aren't living another way....with muddy footprints in the kitchen or on a crawl space or with the car out in the elements. Do you see how the house causes you to live a certain way?

As we consider buying Hollyhock House, I am considering what this house dictates for our lifestyle. I've come to understand that no house can be everything. I'm trying to decide what we can't live without and what we can leave behind. It's more spiritual for me than just, "Well, in Arkansas, you don't have to worry about the car being out in four feet of snow." We live differently here. And if we live differently, it changes us. I think more here. (Some of you are shaking your heads....like I didn't think TOO MUCH already!) I am neater. The space is smaller, so I reconsider what I must have, and what is fine to live without. And when I am tempted to say, "I NEED such and such from the storage unit" I am reminded that I have lived two and half months without it and have survived easily without it. It feels simpler.

I am trying to sort out what I need and what I don't need in my spiritual life. I am trying to decide what is necessary to church and what are just social tchochkies. I am trying to value only things that really matter, not just what matters in the opinions of other people. It feels very complex.

Some of you are reading and groaning....You were part of the Herculean effort to get all our worldly possessions into a truck that was never going to hold it all. When I go to the storage unit, I will feel again that I must have these things. I am always struck though, when I watch a decorating show, or an organizational show, they never say, "Boy, you really need some more stuff! Your space is too simple! You don't have nearly enough!" I like how living here is affirming what must be true in both our physical and spiritual life: Simplicity is better. Less is more. Very little actually IS "All that you can't leave behind...."

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life. "

"He has shown, thee, O man, what is good and what the Lord requires of thee: But to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God."

You guys are my small group, you know...

It occurred to me the other day, that in leiu of being able to be part of an local , physical small group, that this blog has become that for me. It might not be that for everyone, but it is the one place I can chat with all my friends, share what I am thinking about, brag on my kids, and hash over new ideas. I'm incredibly grateful to have this small outlet after experiencing the vibrancy and support of a wonderful small group in MI. I love you all.

What We're All About...

One of the great things I learned in college was logic. In our Theology 2 course, we had to memorize all of the rules of logic and the various rules that governed what could be logical and what wasn't. One of the best rules I learned about was called the "fallacy of origins" which is also known as the "Genetic Fallacy."

A definition....
Genetic Fallacy (Fallacy of Origins, Fallacy of Virtue):

if an argument or arguer has some particular origin, the argument must be right (or wrong). The idea is that things from that origin, or that social class, have virtue or lack virtue. (Being poor or being rich may be held out as being virtuous.) Therefore, the actual details of the argument can be overlooked, since correctness can be decided without any need to listen or think.

The reason that I bring this up is that my husband has a way of finding good in things that you wouldn't expect. The same way I find treasures in the midst of a junky garage sale, he finds treasures of truth from a controversial musical artist, a movie, or a book. I love this about him. While everyone else is expecting garbage, filth and the like, he is fully expecting to find things that are true and lovely and of good report in the most unexpected places. A good example of this is his post about a song out right now by Eminem. He turned on the radio one day, flipped through the channels (probably because the Christian radio station was all "Yack Yack Yack " and no music, but I digress) and heard this song about the struggle to balance family and work. The theme was something he could relate to. It garnered a really weird conversation on the blog that just left him shaking his head....me too.

This is going to be long post.

Some people who read our blogs don't know us. They don't know that we have devoted our entire married life (and before that) to doing whatever God calls us to do. If that meant teaching in a Christian school, or pastoring a church, or leading a youth group, or moving across the country to start a new church, then we do it. We give up friends, family, comfort, security, whatever it takes, to introduce people to this Jesus that we love with our whole selves. While sinlessness escapes us until eternity, the broad strokes of our lives together are painted in obedience to Christ.

We expect our God to do rightly in the world, and we see his work and his truth everywhere, even in unexpected places. It's hard to always be filtering, always be thinking, always be discerning, but we endeavor to attach ourselves to anything that is good, truthful, beautiful, just, honest, excellent, of good report, and holy. The other stuff, we don't think about. When people say things that are ugly or untrue...we ignore it and leave a little something for the Holy Spirit to do on their conscience and walk with God. When movies lack excellence, we look for something redeeming, cling to that, and abhor the rest. When a song says something true, we say "That's good stuff." We don't have what a dear, gracious Professor and friend calls "The gift of negativity." We don't expect to be attacked for our values by the world at every corner, and we don't lift up as good what is merely lackluster and subpar or worse, nasty. Last we checked, at the end of THE BOOK, God wins, so we feel pretty optimistic about how things are going.

Yes, it takes some energy. But this is the world we live in, and we do not ascribe to the assumption that we can just huddle up with Christian friends, Christian music, Christian books and movies and candy and T-shirts and greeting cards, breath mints and whatever else they want to slap a Jesus-fish on. We're in it, but not of it. That's our understanding of what we're supposed to do and we're trying to live that out. We give other Christians time and room to grow in their own understanding of how to live and respect all decisions based on faith and not fear. I know that this little explanation will not stop the criticism from other Christians who think that we are worldly, immature, lazy, foolish, shocking, etc. etc. But I thought maybe it wouldn't hurt to just reiterate for those who read us, what we are about.

Grace and peace to you all.

LET THE RECORD SHOW....

Yesterday, Robb and I actually got to spend the day together (Thanks to Charles & Phyllis) shopping for the kids' Christmas presents. I guess it was all that time re-connecting, but the truth came out....

ROBB REALLY DID FORGET MY BIRTHDAY!

(Insert I-was-right-and-I-knew-it-dance here)

Call me strange, but I find this a little comforting, somehow and I'll tell you why....

#1. I'm glad that Robb has such a good best friend (I knew you had to be in in on A!) that would bail him out of a real doozy of a mistake.

#2. I'm glad I can still read my hubby like a book. Apparently my "Spidey Senses" are still in great working order.

#3. Wow, the bar is low for his birthday....All I gotta do is say "Happy Birthday" on the right day. (That would be January 8th)

And that's the end of it. One of the great things about having a great marriage is being able to get over it. He's a wonderful husband, a loving Dad, and a hardworking employee. We all mess up sometimes, and he has been gracious to me on so many occasions, it's an easy thing to just let this go.

I've had a lot of adventures in my life...

Those of you who know me, know that I have had a fair share of adventure in my life. From going bungee jumping to being robbed in NYC, from super-gluing my eyes shut to spinning my car four times on the highway outside Boston, and even more recently, getting a ring stuck on my finger and setting my arm on fire....

Of all of those adventures, none of these things rivalled my reaction to last night's adventure.

I was packing ebay boxes. The house was clean and quiet, and the Christmas music of The Living Room Sessions was softly playing. The kids were finally asleep, and I was looking foreward to finishing my work, having a glass of wine, and waiting for Robb to get home from work.

I reached into the cupboard for some items I needed to pack, donning an oven mitt, just in case a dead mouse was present in the trap we had set. One trap was sprung but empty and the other had been sitting there for a week, unsprung. There had been no further evidence that any were alive after all the poison we set out, so it was just a precaution.

It was about that moment that I glanced down to see a very much LIVE mouse hanging from the sleeve of my left arm....the one without the oven mitt.

The next few moments were blurry, but I confess to you this morning that there was much wild waving of the arms, and screaching bloody murder followed by hysterical tears. There may also have been some kind of vulgar language, but who would know considering the Beaker-quality of my voice. I'm not particularly proud of my response, but apparently, I have my limits. I really cannot recall EVER being that distraught in all my life. And I know it's just a mouse, but it was so darn unexpected.

The children didn't stir and my dog (who I really did think would offer some protection) loped into the room drowsily long after the mouse disappeared into whence he came.

By the time hubby returned on his white horse, I was locked in my room, curled up in the fetal position, lest a stray mouse start nibbling my toes. He began to set out the traps, adding peanut butter to the bait, when he found our culprit already dead in the trap that had been there all along.

Apparently, I scared him into going to his little beady-eyed death.

This morning found two more in the reset traps.

Bring on the body-count.

Some Vinny-isms

Vinny on fighting cartoons....."They aren't that silent."

Vinny on glowing in the dark...."My shirt glows up in the dark!"

Vinny on trash blowing in the yard...."We don't want to be glittering!"

Vinny on Apple Jack's "They say that's a balanced breakfast."

Vinny on time.."Spiderman is on at 7:00, 6 central."

Being a Christian is exhausting sometimes....

I know that whole phrase is just pepppered with bad theology, but I started out this morning, desperately seeking some serenity and I had this idea to make a private blog just for prayer....I know somebody out there is having a coniption...but the kids will leave me be if I am typing, but they won't leave me alone if I am "just sitting." So anyway, I decided to try it, thought I could throw something together quickly now and tweak it later....ended up trying to name it something that has already been used, checked out the other blogs by the names I wanted to use, checked out some of their links....ended up seeing another blog I have seen before that is proports itself as being all "Spurgeon, Edwards, Tozer" but is REALLY mean-spririted....and is frequently made fun of by the clever kids at Addison Road, who probably also go way too far....and that's when it hit me....

I just wanted to pray.

Instead I got overwhelmed again with the negativity. Really, the open animosity between the two sites I mentioned above, which frankly characterize the essential nature of what I'm doing with my life and the tension that exists in my own relationships, not to mention my desperate desire to just relate to God in some semblance of order....

iyuiu9 ui689i9ui0iiu0iu08i06-878y0 598y9youiyoiuoitoir06950uiy957ut5u9869utuit8tiujh0uujjj

That was Vinny. He just crawled up in my lap and asked me what i was doing. I tried to explain it all to him, and he said, "Does Jesus like that?"

I told him that Jesus wants us to be concerned about truth, but He also wants us to be kind to one another. After all, we're supposed to be known for our love for one another, not how intact our theological views are. After all, people are observing us...

...little people who just want me to hold them on my lap and be a part of what I'm doing....

gf uitugjfgurtyuinhu8h y6t0iyi][][]]]]]]][][tytuiyut'g;;itytryut67yr6yghrtyyyur768ytu5
i6y8u6i34u7iyu5uu46yu4y6uyuh57urtyu5yu565yu5o
oghiogyrtio970tiy0itpu\\u56iyu68886jiui6ivinny

yeah, what he said.

Happy to see you....

In the vein of my new optimism....I'm looking on the bright side. The metal marble Charleigh swallowed yesterday made an appearance just now.

I like my job, I like my job, I like my job, I like my job.......

okay, not so much this morning.

I enjoyed a long season of not having any negative feedback on ebay. I worked hard. Sometimes I screwed up, but I tried to communicate to the buyers and make things work. But in the last four months, I have gotten not one, not two, not three, but FOUR negatives.

I realize that in the scope of life, it's not the end of the world, but I'm just going to vent here for a minute and say that one of the negs, I might have deserved because I did a lousy job of packing it. It was the last box I packed before we moved out of the house....and I mean literally, the truck was outside bulging with boxes and I was shuffling around trying not to bawl my eyes out, looking for stuff to pack this box with. Obviously, not stellar work. But I also refunded her money.

The first one never paid me and then complained that she didn't get her item. You can't do much when people won't communicate.

The next lady was a nut job. I mean, genuinely nuts. I can take that. You can't expect to work with the world and not get a nut job.

But today....well, today was just stupid. The lady buys a bowl that I say has no cracks in it. I know it has no cracks in it because I was trying to make money and I wouldn't list a bowl with a crack in it. I ship the bowl in what she herself called "perfect packing" but the bowl arrives with a crack. It was cold in MI, probably sat in a truck or something and snapped. No matter how it got broke, she didn't buy insurance. It only cost 1.30 for insurance. I studied the pics I took before sending it, and was 98 percent sure that there was no crack. But, out of the goodness of my heart, I decided to refund her 10 dollars, about 1/2 of the price. I was trying to be nice. I didn't have to refund her anything because she didn't buy insurance. And all of this happened two months ago. And she decided to sit down and leave me a negative today. Right after the crazy lady. So I have two negs almost in a row. It looks bad, my friends. It looks very bad.

Maybe I should have given all her money back. Maybe I shouldn't have given her anything. I could have avoided the neg, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It seemed untruthful to assume responsibility when she had not purchased insurance.
It seemed like a bad precident.

Well, they say you learn more from failure than from success. I'll have to think this one over....

There is POOP ON MY TOILET PAPER!

No, this is not another post in the vein of the "postmodern obsession with excrement."

We are waging a battle with mice and I noticed that my spare rolls of toilet paper under the sink have already been used!

Though I have taken up a Tasha Tudor-like lifestyle here at Hollyhock House where animals of all kinds are welcome, I must draw the line at sharing my tp with rodents.

Drowsy

Lord,
it is confusing sometimes.

This world you made is so very beautiful,
and made just for us to live in.
The seasons are stunning, and the sun warms us up,
and the love you give us is so obvious,
especially in the arms of our families.
We want so much to snuggle down in what is good about it
and love it here.

But nightmares of sickness happen
or disasters,
there is fear and hurt and misunderstanding
and cruelty

It is absolutely startling sometimes
being awakened from happiness
by a slap in the face
when we were hoping for a hug.

I can only dream of when everything is really
just as it should be
and we'll all find rest for our souls.

U2 news from our friends at Addison Road

What LION can do for you...

Great article about THE MOVIE and expectations.

My grown up Christmas List

I've been fielding a lot of calls lately about what I would like for Christmas, and of course, most of the time when those calls come, I have one child who is trying to pull my pants down in the grocery store and another two who are trying to pull one another's pants down, so of course, I have said what I want for Christmas is better fitting pants....

but upon further reflection I decided to post what I would like for Christmas right here on the blog for everyone's amusement.

1. More flame retardant clothing (see previous post).
2. address labels for ebay packages
3. an address
4. a waffle iron
5. teeth whitener...I figure it's cheaper than a trip to the dentist
6. A potholder. I have one already.
7. "Regenerist" moisterizer. Apparently, I'm drying up like a raisin in the sun, but I would never spend 20 bucks on moisterizer myself.
8. Socks. Make those flame retardant too....just in case.
9. Coffee.
10. A car. Why not? People in commercials get them all the time.

And oh yeah....world peace.

So....I set my arm on fire this morning....

It was only a matter of time for me before

long sleeves + hard to light gas burner on stove + morning = blue flame running up arm.

apparently flame retardant jammies ARE a good thing.

unwarranted enthusiasm

There was this band on Leno last night (I don't usually see Leno, but I fell asleep waiting for Robb to come home from work and then he brought chicken...yummmy...I was so hungry....) So anyway, this band on Leno, I don't know their name, but they were playing this music that I think was supposed to be Christmassy or something, but the lead especially was all excited ....grinning and moving his shoulders while he played the guitar and pursing his lips and closing his eyes....like he was playing some kind of life-changing, other-worldly music. The back-up singers were dressed in matchy-patchy outfits, swaying and bobbing and I turned to Robb and said (between mouthfuls of chicken)

"I hate unwarranted enthusiasm."

Seriously, it annoys me to death when people are jumping around with the excitement of puppies over stuff that is mediocre. Like

the Jewelery Channel
Christian TV
Professional football cheerleaders (come on...these guys are getting paid six trillion dollars just for putting on their weird football pants and you misguided females think they are going to play any harder because you're all "rah! rah!" and "go team"????)
The McDonald's Arch Card.
Teletubbies.
I would say all infomercials, but Vin thinks that "Little Giant Ladder" one is the best show he's ever seen....he's watched it like four times.
Brad/Jennifer/Angelina/whoever that guy is that isn't nearly as cute at Brad
Any Disney movie with the number "2" in the title

Yes, unwarranted enthusiasm is a symptom of the fall...just one more way human beings are completely confused about what is good and what is just...not.

I'm not the only one that sees this, right???

Happiness is a Butterfly

Some random observations about AR

Just some random things I've observed in my short time in Arkansas....

More people smoke here. (Which of course, makes it easier for me to keep to my "never trying a cigarette because I'm pretty sure I'd love it rule"....I can just enjoy the second hand smoke.)

There are a lot of really tall women. I don't know if it is the cowboy boots or what, but there just seem to be a lot more really tall women. I'm not exactly short myself, but in comparison, I'm feeling the need for some heels.

There are a disproportionate number of old VW Beatles. I passed a car lot the other day with at least 3. This has always been my dream car....or it was until I realized I'd have to drive a stick. I once burned the clutch out of an ex's car trying to learn, but having had over 15 years to reflect on how NOT to pop the clutch, maybe I could do it....

That's all....for now....

Good morning....

Did you ever have one of those days when everything you did was just worthless? And the harder you tried to do the right thing, the worse it got?

I had a hard time being an optimist yesterday. I got word that a dear friend has breast cancer. Another phone call told us that the pastor (who helped us get to live at Hollyhock House) lost HIS house in a fire yesterday. I paid bills. For no good reason, I snapped at the kids and couldn't seem to stop. I was cold and I didn't want to do my stupid, monotonous work. It was kind of a crummy day.

I don't know why on some days, it is so much easier to focus on what is going wrong...I don't know why sometimes I just see the bad instead of the fact that the kids are healthy and funny, we live in this house for free, God is at work making good come out of evil, and He has the power to change me. I think that I've become convinced over recent months, that being pessimistic is wrong. That it is God's nature to be optimistic. I think that expecting bad to happen to me at every turn is probably not in keeping with the way God wants me to live, and focussing on the bad is even less so. It's not easy for the zebra to change her stripes, but I'm trying (with God's help) to put off negativity and put on hopefullness. I still fully embrace the total depravity of humans...especially me....but I'm also daring to believe that God really is good.

responsible people worry

As a person who trusts God, I still worry. It feels like the responsible thing to do. It's the least I can do, right? I might not be able to actually produce change, but if I at least worry about it, I'm contributing something.

Worry is very self-reinforcing. I read somewhere that when you worry, and the worst happens, worry is reinforced because you think, "See, I worried and I was right." When you worry and nothing bad happens, you think, "See, I worried about it and my concern and vigilance kept the worst from happening."

Last night for instance, I worried about the fact that Robb couldn't button his top shirt button....which must mean that he has a tumor in his neck because it JUST fit not long ago. And if it is a tumor, it must be cancer.

I worried about if mice are in the house. I worried about Sid chasing the mice and waking up the kids.

I worried that I had listed too many things on ebay and they wouldn't sell. I worried that I hadn't listed enough and we will never be able to pay off the bill for the car repairs.

When Robb complained of a stomach ache in the night, I worried that the cancer had spread.

(I don't think very clearly when I'm half awake)

It's interesting that when Jesus told us to not worry, he said, "because no one could add to his height by worrying." Who is lying awake at night worrying about getting taller?????

I wonder if he said that because even though it seems like we are helping by worrying about problems, we really aren't. If we were really helping by worrying we could prove it with something as obvious as getting taller.

It's like that old Aesop Fable about the horse and the fly....I read it in like second grade, so the details are a little fuzzy....the gist is that the fly is on the horse's back and they pull this heavy load, and when they finish, the fly says to the horse, "Didn't we do a great job pulling that?" and the horse just kind of flicks the fly with his tail out of annoyance for the fly.

I'm glad God doesn't flick us.